The Schmoes took the plunge and checked out “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”…one Schmoe was well-prepared for the task, the other apprehensive about what he might discover. Enjoy!
The Schmoes head out to sea for some intergalactic board game adventure with “Battleship”…could this be a fun effects-laden extravaganza? Or just an excuse to make toys?? Enjoy!
The Schmoes get spooky with Tim Burton’s latest effort, “Dark Shadows”…could the lads find themselves rooting on Johnny Depp as a lovable cursed vampire? Or would they be wishing he stayed buried in the ground?? Enjoy!
The Schmoes could barely contain their excitement on the eve of “The Avengers”…would this all-star collaboration years in the making live up to it’s lofty expectations? Kristian and Mark have their say right now…enjoy!
The Schmoes take to the high-seas for claymation-style adventure with “Pirates!”…would this silly band of swashbucklers give our heroes a voyage to remember? Or would the Schmoes leave the theater muttering “arrggg!” (yep, we couldn’t resist).
The Schmoes take the plunge into the latest rom-com from producer Judd Apatow, “The Five Year Engagement”…could the Jason Segal/Emily Blunt vehicle be a new high in wedding day shenanigans? Enjoy!
“What to Expect When You’re Expecting” review transcript
Schmoes Know
INTRO
K: “Hey everyone, wanna see Mark get really freaked out?”
M: “Dude, you can’t freak me out…I saw ‘Drag Me to Hell’ in the theaters twice.”
K: (snaps fingers)
M: (now holding a baby) “Dude I’m freaking out.”
K: “I told ya.”
M: “I think it drooled on me.”
K: “How great is this?”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: (holding his baby) “Hey guys, welcome back to the Schmoes show, this is our special guest, Vivi…we’re doing this because, look: my biggest concern is how is she doing, where’s she going to college…his biggest concern is whether they give the Hulk his own movie.”
M: “My biggest concern is I really don’t wanna handle a baby again for a while…we’re talking about What to Expect When You’re Expecting, the new horror film from director Wes Craven in theaters now.”
K: “Absolutely not…here’s the thing, all dudes are gonna be sitting in the theater and saying ‘ugh, what are we doing here?’. And if you’re 13-20 years old, and you see this movie, no, you’re not gonna like it. But if you’ve had a baby, if you’re a husband, you’ll sit there and go ‘ok, yeah, that happened, I remember that.”
M: “Nobody’s waddling into this theater by accident; the movie is literally called What to Expect When You’re Expecting, you need to walk into this theater expecting to see a bunch of babies, some pregnant chicks, a bunch dudes who have no idea what they’re doing…and when you do that, you kinda have fun becaue it’s not a bad movie.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “You know when they did the Valentine’s Day thing?”
M: “This is the Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve thing with babies, and this is by far the best of that kind of movie.”
K: “Absolutely, because you don’t have Ashton Kutcher in it.”
M: “Also because you have some real storylines that you can connect to; there’s five women that we focus on, you got Anna Kendrick, Jennifer Lopez, Brooklyn Decker, Cameron Diaz…and Elizabeth Banks. And she’s the central storyline. I think she’s the one that most people are going to relate to.”
K: “It’s the one that I related to…look, some women have great pregnancies, some have terrible pregnancies, and Elizabeth Banks, when that happens, the husbands have a rough time as well.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “Ok, so let’s do this thing, it’s rapid fire because there’s so many people in this movie, we’ll yell out a name and give you like one sentence about their performance.”
M: “Let’s start with the women that I’d actually start a family with, happily…Brooklyn Decker.”
K: “Best she’s ever been.”
M: “Good comedy chops as it turns out…Jennifer Lopez?”
K: “Pretty good, likable, husband was, you know…there.”
M: “Real good emotional scene for her…I thought Elizabeth Banks was terrific, a lot of range in there.”
K: “Absolutely…how about the fat Australian girl that was in Bridesmaids?”
M: “Dude, she crushes this movie, she’s the roommate in bridesmaids, I believe she’s British or Australian, she was like watching Canseco take batting practice in ’89…she knocks everything out of the park.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “Dennis Quaid?”
M: “Dennis Quaid plays the husband of Brooklyn Decker, he’s this old Nascar guy, hysterical, good to see him.”
K: “Chris Rock?”
M: “He’s one of the best comics that ever lived, and his acting has gotten so much better this decade, it’s really cool to see.”
K: “This is what happens…babies are so unpredictable, and this movie does a great job of that.”
M: “Dude look, when you just do the Panama face, she smiles.”
K: “One of the fun parts is watching all the dudes get together with the babies, and Chris Rock…his movie stuff hasn’t been great but he’s kinda the leader of this dad clan and he’s pretty funny in it.”
M: “If the dads are the LA Clippers, he’s Chris Paul running the show…then you have the other dads, one of whom is Thomas Lennon, who I love, you’re not as high on him.”
K: “Good in this, and they put this part in the movie because guys are gonna get dragged to this movie by their wives who wanna have babies, are expecting babies, and this part is for them to where they can relate.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “I think that women will really like this movie, and if my wife was reviewing this movie she’d give it a 4.5 or 5/5…”
M: “Do I get to hold her too?”
K: “No…I’m not gonna go that high but 3/5…I was expecting to give it 1/5, I don’t know how they pulled this off, it was fun, it was enjoyable, 3/5.”
M: (To baby) “Can you count that high yet? Yeah, I struggled in math too…” “I’m gonna get it to 3 too, because this is the movie I am least likely to see this year, but I’m in the theater, I’m reviewing the movie, it’s not a bad movie, you can get into it, 3/5 Schmoes for me too.”
K: “How about you guys…are any of you actually going to see this? If you are a wife, a mother, if you have read this book, wanna see it? Let us know, we wanna know, comment, and click right there, that’s the subscribe button. Hey, I do have one question that’s very important.”
M: “’Sup?”
K: “Did she poop?”
M: “Oh my…get that away from me, please!”
VIDEO CLIPS
M: “Here, I’ll hold her…hi Vivien! To the moon, Alice! Let’s turn it around…”
The Schmoes head out to sea for some intergalactic board game adventure with “Battleship”…could this be a fun effects-laden extravaganza? Or just an excuse to make toys?? Enjoy!
Battleship” transcript
-Schmoes Know
INTRO
Mark: “B-7.”
Kristian: “No.”
M: “Dude…B-7”
K: “You wanna do that for this thing?”
M: “What other review can we do it for? B-7.”
K: “Miss.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “We are reviewing the new movie ‘Battleship’…which everyone sees it coming out and is like ‘ugh…Transformers…crap.”
M: “Yeah…but it’s not Transformers, it’s ‘Battleship’. There’s boats out on the water, there’s aliens coming down, who knows what they want, there’s tons of special effects…and Liam Neeson.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “It is unfair to say that this movie is like Transformers, from the trailer it absolutely looks like it…it is nothing like Transformers…like when they’re water with the ships for a second and you see all the aliens, it’s nothing like Transformers and to be fair I want to say that…that being said, this movie’s not horrendous, and judging from the trailers you’ve seen, that’s a win?”
M: “That would be a check in the W column, because it’s not horrendous…but it’s not ‘Independence Day’ either, and that was the ceiling for this movie. I really liked ID4 because it was fun, had good special effects, the story get moving, it never got plodding, it was crazy, dare I say even cockamamy, but it was fun…this movie occasionally flirted with that success but it never really got that high.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “Using the Tranformers comparison again, the difference between this movie and that…well, besides them being completely different..is that this is directed by Peter Berg…”
M: “Yes, very capable hands.”
K: “You would hope so, and with the explosions and stuff like that, it was very similar to Michael Bay, with the explosions but nothing really there, no emotion tied to it, that was very much like Michael Bay…one of the things with this movie is, well, how does Hasbro make a board game into a movie, and they do for like 2 seconds…it’s, you know, they say it’s based on the board game, and there’s one particular scene where they have the ships…”
M: “You see a grid.”
K: “Yeah, and it worked for the scene.”
K: I’ll tell ya the problem with this movie…some of the acting? Ugh…”
M: “Got a reaction out of you, huh? Well let’s talk about the two really fine actors in the movie, Liam Neeson and Alexander Saarsgard and they aren’t really in it that much.”
K: “Exactly, the two really great actors are barely in the damn thing. Alex Saarsgard, from ‘True Blood’, he’s also in ‘Straw Dogs’, he was fantastic in this movie…for when he was in it he was fantastic in the movie, I really liked what he brought to the role, he was the one who I was like ‘there’s a character there, alright’…and then where did he go?”
M: “Well we’re gonna start to have some bones then because I thought Taylor Kitsch as the brother who’s the hero, the screw up in the Navy and now he’s gotta play above his head…I really like Taylor Kitsch, I think he’s a star…I liked him in ‘John Carter’, I liked him in this…I think he’s good.”
K: “This just proves that you’re too nice of a person, because this kid…I don’t know who he is in real life, maybe he’s a nice person…”
M: “I don’t care if he’s a nice person, I liked him in the movie.”
K: “He’s like Sam Worthington to me…just another kid that they want you to think is a star…and what’s with this Batman voice he’s doing? ‘I’m the guy, I’m gritty…”
M: “Get used to this guys, gonna be going on all summer long.”
K: “I’m just saying, I’m not gonna be doing it all summer long.”
M: “It’s your new Arnold.”
K: “He tries to hard, he hits you over the head with this ‘I’m the bad seed, I’m the guy who’s gonna save the day.” I mean, Ben Affleck, who doesn’t have the finest chops in these movies, school’s this kid in his role from ‘Armageddon’.”
M: “I thought you were gonna go ‘Reindeer Games’.”
K: “Fine, ‘Reindeer Games’.”
K: “There’s a lot of stars in this movie, you have Brooklyn Decker, who, I don’t care what she’s saying, not gonna judge her acting because I’ll watch her open a soda can…”
M: “…pantsless.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “Regardless of Taylor Kitsch, he’s not the worst thing in this movie…”
M: “I think we’re talking about Rihanna…she’s in this, the pop star; she’s kinda got a filthy streak about her in the pop world, not really my kinda music. I’m more of a Bachman-Turner Overdrive kinda guy.”
K: “I did a short movie when I was 12 years old called ‘Lothar’…I picked people from God knows where to act in this thing…they all destroy her. She is awful in this movie, she’s so bad, I’m like ‘I want you to be good, I want you to be good…ugh, get her away’. She’s not even trying…maybe she is trying, that’s why it’s so bad. She is horrendous.”
M: “Lothar, huh?”
K: “Lothar, she is…every time she’s in a movie from now on, I’m gonna call her Lothar. So Lothar is in this movie.”
M: “Ok.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “One thing I did like was the amount of respect that Peter Berg showed the Navy…you can tell it wasn’t just a cheesy…I don’t think it delivered, it wasn’t a very good movie…but I did like the fact that he was paying respect to the Naval part of it.”
M: “That’s right, yeah, and there are some Navy guys that are in the movie and it’s great to see them, it’s kinda like that Navy SEAL movie ‘Act of Valor’…”
K: “I thought you were talking about the one with Charlie Sheen…”
M: “Well that’s a fine piece of cinema as well…but it’s not a great movie, it’s not even Independence Day for me, so I can’t get it to three, I wish I could, I’m gonna go 2.6/5 Schmoes.”
K: “Not much higher than me, I’m gonna go 2.5 and it’s one of those things where if you don’t expect much at all and you’re just going for the explosions, then there’s a lot of fun explosions, so go for the explosions.”
M: “There’s some good humor in the beginning, the story just kinda falls apart a little bit, you get a little bored, but it’s not terrible.”
K: “That burrito scene was stupid.”
K: “Alright, so how about you guys, are you gonna go see ‘Battleship’, are you gonna see ‘The Avengers’ for the 47th time…”
M: “Did you play Battleship as a kid…or as an adult?”
K: “Are you a Peter Berg? Let us know, we wanna know, comment and if you’re new to Schmoeville, click that button right there to subscribe, and you’ll be a resident forever.”
K: “And make sure you check out our movies.com show that we just did, Top 5 Curses…Top 5 Movie Curses, really wanna know what you guys think about that one. And people are always asking us where we get our shirts, check this one out!”
The Avengers broke opening weekend records with a box office haul of 207.4 million dollars. It would have made an additional $20, but my parents mistakenly watched the wrong movie:
“THE OTHER GUYS”
The Avengers’ success leaves only one question: How long until Hollywood reboots The Avengers?
“ASSEMBLY REQUIRED”
Speaking of reboots, Universal has announced plans to redo Van Helsing with Tom Cruise. It’s going to be a short film.
“RISKY”
Lindsay Lohan and Woody Allen were spotted dining together in a New York restaurant. That’s odd. Isn’t she a little old for him?
“SUGAR DADDY”
Woody declined taking a doggy bag from the restaurant, saying he’d eat some Korean at home.
“TOO SOON?”
John Travolta is being sued for allegedly masturbating while fondling a masseur’s penis. Travolta denies the incident ever happened, saying it was Nic Cage wearing his face.
“JERK OFF”
According to the masseur, Travolta says he’s done things in his past that would make most people throw up. For example, Battlefield Earth.
“JOHN D’OH!”
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son Patrick attended high school prom at an exclusive beachside hotel. In true Schwarzenegger fashion, Patrick ditched his date to hook up with one of the maids.
“TERMINATOR TOO”
A group of domestic terrorists were arrested for conspiring to blow up all the bridges in Cleveland. They would have succeeded too, but LeBron James already burned those bridges.
“BURNING MAN”
A rumor exploded on the internet that Suge Night had been arrested for the murder of Tupac Shakur. Turns out, it was just Suge Knight’s hologram.
“THE SUGE KNIGHT RETURNS”
A new study warns that by 2030, 42% of Americans will be obese. Coincidentally, by 2030 42% of Americans will dine at Golden Corral.
“EAT THE FOCKERS”
James Cameron has announced he is dedicating all of his filmmaking efforts to Avatar 2, 3 and 4. Like Picasso, he’s going through his blue period.
“BLUE MAN GROUP”
AND FINALLY…
A Nebraska man has legally changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex. If he really wanted to be named after an extinct dinosaur, he should have gone with “Dick Clark.”
Following a record-breaking draw at the box office is no easy task, and the first challenger to The Avengers’ $200 million opening weekend is the new film from Tim Burton, Dark Shadows.
If that name sounds familiar, perhaps is should: the movie is inspired by the television show that debuted roughly a half-century ago…but as he’s known to do, Tim Burton makes this version in a style all his own. The Schmoes Know guys are well-versed in the Burton filmography, which spans such diverse movies from “Beetlejuice” to “Batman” and “Sleepy Hollow” (and of course we have to mention “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”)…and most of his recent efforts have included Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter.
Depp plays Barnabus Collins, a well-to-do American in the 1700’s who is turned into a vampire thanks to an evil witch’s curse. He finally escapes his enclosed tomb nearly two centuries later, and this undead-monster-out-of-water begins a quest to restore his family name.
Big fans of a handful of Burton movies, Mark and Kristian also feel that occasionally the director’s overt style can overwhelm the story and leave an audience thisting for more substance. Hoping for a happy marriage of humor, thrills and chiils, the Schmoes Know guys ventured into the theater…see what they found lurking in the “Dark Shadows” right now!
Here is our video review for Dark Shadows:
“Dark Shadows” review transcript
-Schmoes Know
INTRO
Kristian: “Welcome Schmoeville! It is another episode of the review show that we do here…how about that?”
Mark: “Good intro, Kristian!”
K: “Thanks!”
VIDEO CLIP
M: “Hey Schmoeville, welcome to the Schmoes Know movie show, we review movies on here, and today we’re doing ‘Dark Shadows’.”
K: “That’s right, ‘Dark Shadows’, the new Tim Burton movie with Johnny Depp and Danny Elfman…”
M: “And Helena Bonham Carter…shocking, the people in this movie.”
K: “Normally over the last couple years, Tim Burton films have suffered from just being a Tim Burton film…his style, ‘look at me, I’m Tim Burton, I don’t care about story, there’s a crazy image over there…’”
M: “You’re saying sometimes the director overtakes the movie, it’s a little too Nicholas Winding Refn for you.”
K: “No no no…he incorporates story; Tim Burton has become just ‘I’m Tim Burton, I’m gonna let you know that this is a Ti Burton movie’, and I was worried that this was gonna become that.”
M: “Then the movie comes on, we got a good story going, and then what happens Kristian?”
K: “It stinks!”
M: “It doesn’t stink.”
K: “It stinks, and here’s the problem with it…”
M: “Well, as you so eloquently say…”
K: “It reeks?”
M: “The ass falls out of it.”
K: “Oh. The ass falls out of it.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “When the movie starts out, it doesn’t suffer from that thing, it’s Tim Burton actually focusing on the story.”
M: “I’m on board, yeah, the story being that Johnny Depp becomes cursed by a witch, turns into a vampire in the 1700’s, and lo and behold…she gets jealous like most women, she buries him for 200 years, he wakes up and it’s 1972. He’s gotta restore his family name against the evil witch. Really cool story, then what happens?”
K: And then the prologue ends, you have this cool young actress, she looks like a young Michelle Pfieffer, which is ironic because old Michelle Pfieffer is in this…”
M: “The real Michelle Pfieffer is in this…”
K: “Well she’s old and she’s real…and I’m like ‘wait a minute…this is gonna be about this girl and her story…and, she’s got a secret! What is that secret?’ And then, eh…”
M: “Then Johnny Depp comes back to 1972 and it’s his story and they focus on him…he’s fantastic in the movie, which is a nice transition into the acting, but was he supposed to be the star of this movie, or do we just fall in love with Johnny Depp?”
K: “Well…I’m a huge ‘Royal Tenenbaums’ fan…”
M: “Well good for you, thanks for sharing…”
K: “Well, the reason I say that you simpleton rat is that when Gene Hackman comes back? Yes, he’s a big powerful force, but it’s also about these people and this family around him and the stuff that’s going on…and that’s I wanted from this movie, I wanted to know more about Chloe Moretz and the little kid and Michelle Pfieffer…but it’s all about this Barnabus, Johnny Depp and the absurdity of his coming back, and it just dies halfway through the movie.”
M: “Well, he is a vampire.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “One of the disappointing things is that you have such an all-star cast in this.”
M: “I was really hoping Michelle Pfieffer would have more to do…and Helena Bonham Carter isn’t underused, but I wanted…”
K: “She’s in a Tim Burton movie, really?”
M: “But she’s so talented, Johnny Lee Miller has nothing to do, they kick him out halfway through, and it just kinda falls apart.”
K: “Yeah and then you have Eva Green who is the evil in this one, she’s the antagonist, and she to me, and maybe this is Tim Burton’s fault, I thought she was way too over the top…like she was playing a Disney villain. And it’s like, ‘bring it down, subtle, subtle’.”
M: “I didn’t think she was awful, and she is not hard to look at…she may even be a hotter Anne Hathaway. Can I say that?”
K: “Sure.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “And then you have Chloe Moretz who is great, but again…she’s this sexed-up teenager, she’s making all these weird faces throughout the movie, and I don’t know what she’s doing…and again I think it’s Tim Burton. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, they were big fans of this tv show. This was a tv soap opera…I didn’t know what it was, did you?”
M: “Nope.”
K: “It had an audience, they were a part of that audience and they wanted to bring it to life, and I just think they got carried away with something that didn’t work.”
M: “There’s some laughs in this movie, there’s some good action…but you want more of that, more laughs, and halfway through this movie it just takes this weird turn, and you’re like ‘what happened to all the fun that I was having in this theater?”
K: “You see, I think you have to choose, because some of the laughs? Again, subtle humor worked well, but then you get to the ‘70’s, and it’s like joke, joke, joke, joke, and you lose that tone you had in the beginning…because Barnabus? Not a likeable guy…I mean you kinda like him because he’s cursed, but the only reason you don’t despise him entirely is because it’s Johnny Depp.”
M: “Yeah, you not rooting for him that much, you’re not even sure which side you should be on…at least that’s how I felt.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “I was very disappointed with this movie, I’m going low, I’m going 2/5 Schmoes.”
M: “I was thinking about this, in the theater I wanted to get it to 3, but I just can’t do it…I gonna go 2.7/5 Schmoes. I can’t even get it to two and three quarters.”
K: “Yeah, well, for Rotten Tomatoes you’re going 2.5 out of 5 because they don’t do 2.7.”
M: “Well they need to.”
K “No…how about you guys? Do you wanna see this movie, are you a Tim Burton fan, are you a Johnny Depp fan? Have you seen this movie and do you disagree? Comment below and let us know…hey that rhymed. Subscribe up there.”
M: “Subscribe up there Dr. Seuss, thank you.”
K: “You’re welcome.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “Hey, one last thing, if you watched Box Office Sunday this past Sunday, and we had out little debate about the battery charger? Guess what? I found it…where was it? In a bad that no one would’ve that to ever look except you.”
M: “You gave me the bag, but tit for tat…point is, we have the charger again, we’re buddies again, everybody’s happy. ‘Together again’…”
K: “Yayyy.”
M: “Together again.”
K: “Cut to commercial, cut to commercial…”
After years of waiting, The Avengers finally premiers this week. Or as the rest of us are calling it, Coachella for Nerds.
“MARVELOUS”
American teens have found a new way to get drunk; drinking hand sanitizer. Say what you want, but it still tastes better than Popov.
“NYET!”
An Australian billionaire plans to build a Titanic II. In related news, God plans to build Iceberg II.
“GOD’S THE KING OF THE WORLD”
Hollywood is remaking Poltergeist. In the new version, the TV is now an HDTV.
“THEY’RE HERE…AND ON SALE!”
The Senate has approved a Postal Service plan to stop delivering mail on Saturdays. That means the Post Office will now have only five days to lose our mail.
“DELIVERANCE”
North Korea has issued a grave warning, threatening to reduce South Korea to ash. Of course they’re threatening South Korea; it’s the only country North Korean missiles can reach.
“DOG EAT DOG”
BREAKING NEWT: Newt Gingrich has announced he will suspend his presidential campaign, meaning we no longer have to suspend our disbelief.
“NO NEWT IS GOOD NEWT”
The new One World Trade Center is now the tallest structure in New York. When reached for comment, workers in the Empire State Building said, quote, “whew!”
“FEAR OF HEIGHTS”
Health inspectors say the Octomom is living in squalor; even her toilet doesn’t work. Apparently, it got stopped up when she was flushing her life away.
“EIGHT IS ENOUGH”
An adult website has placed a one million dollar bounty on Tim Tebow’s virginity. They should have put the bounty on Mark Sanchez; he’s the one getting f*cked.
“DIRTY SANCHEZ”
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have announced that the second season of their reality show Khloe & Lamar will be the last. That’s surprising; Lamar’s actually finishing out a season?
“END GAME”
Los Angeles Laker Jordan Hill has been charged with choking a family member. C’mon; if choking were a crime, the Memphis Grizzlies would all be in jail.
“THE BIGGEST LOSER”
AND FINALLY…
A man legally named Obiwan Kenobi has been arrested for his role in a hit and run. When asked to give his statement, the man waved his hand and said “I am not the dork you are looking for.”
If you are new to Schmoes Know and have a Youtube channel, please subscribe to us by clicking here
That final school bell rings, the ice cream man stocks up, and the pool is open for business…on a par with those summer-welcoming traditions is what happens at movie theaters every year around this time: huge blockbuster films. Over the last decade, no group of movies have been more worthy of the label “summer blockbuster” than those based on Marvel comics. And after seeing some of the greatest heroes on Earth find success with their own stories, the Schmoes Know guys finally get to witness the most epic collaboration the comic book world has ever seen on the big screen: The Avengers!
As far back as the first “Iron Man” film, Mark and Kristian have been sitting in the front row waiting for the greatest Marvel Comics characters to join forces in order to defend the Earth…along with the billionaire playboy/Black Sabbath fan Tony Stark is Captain America, Thor, the Incredible Hulk, Black Widow, and Hawkeye. Collectively known as the Avengers and managed by S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Nick Fury, comic book fans have followed this all-star team through decades of intergalactic excitement…and now director Joss Whedon has brought that ambitious concept to the big screen for the very first time.
Getting six superheroes to sacrifice their own egos for the benefit of the team is tough; equally difficult is juggling the schedules of so many Hollywood stars in a effort to build one giant 2 1/2 hour movie…besides Downey, A-listers such as Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johanssen, Jeremy Renner, Chris Evans, and Samuel L. Jackson star in “The Avengers”. When petulant god Loki leads an army against Earth, it will take some of the best heroes on this (or any other) planet to defend her…dealing with slightly less pressure are the Schmoes, who live for discussing movies like this: fast-paced summer action extravaganzas are a particular favorite of Kristian and Mark, and if they don’t love this movie? You can be damn sure their review will avenge it. Check it out!
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
MARK: “What’s gonna happen with these independent personalities come together to fight for a common goal?”
KRISTIAN: “Aren’t you being a little melodramatic? It’s a review.”
MARK: “I was talking about the Avengers.”
KRISTIAN: “Ohhh…”
INTRO
VIDEO CLIPS
KRISTIAN: “Alot of people have gotten to see this movie, and everyone’s talking about it saying how great it is ans everything, and I gotta tell ya: they’re right!”
MARK: “It is in the ether, it’s finally here ladies and gentlemen, Superhero-gasm 2012…let’s countdown the roster for everyone: you got Iron Man, you got Thor, you got Captain America, you got the Incredible Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye…you got this guy and this guy, we just saw the Avengers and it is a neat movie.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “Here’s something that pissed me off…coming out of the theater there was this guy going ‘well, there wasn’t really enough story and I couldn’t…’ shut-up! That’s not what this movie is about, if you want all the story and the back story that’s why you have the other movies, that’s why you have the Incredible Hulk version and Captain America and Iron Man 1 and 2.”
M: “They also have those things called comic books that you can thumb through, but I didn’t think there was a lack of story in this one, I thought it was kinda cool to see all these heroes come together to fight for justice…there was alot of stuff…I would recommend doing some research, especially Thor and Iron Man are the two ones that you really need to see before you see The Avengers.”
K: “Sure…as far as story? Here’s the story, here’s what you need to know: Loki is pissed off. Why? Because he’s Roger Clinton, or Frank Stallone except he doesn’t sing in a band. And what does he do? He wants to take over the Earth, so he gets his bad guys, he wants to take over, and who’s gonna stop him? The Avengers. There’s your story.”
M: “Cut, print, ship.”
K: “So that’s it, basically you have all these guys together and it is a comic book explosion; it’s everything you want, anything you ever thought of; they’re fighting against aliens, they’re fighting against Loki, they’re fighting against each other, they’re fighting against everyone.”
M: “Yeah, they’re taking orders from Sam Jackson…this is one of those ones where going into it, you’re hoping it was gonna be a really cool, everyone gets together, fighting for a common goal…not just the superheroes but you were hoping all the chemistry between the actors worked well, and I gotta tell ya: this exceeded every expectation I had for this movie.”
K: “100%…it’s the definition; if you go to Wikipedia and type in ‘summer blockbuster’, this is the movie that should come up. Because honestly it is everything that you need in a summer movie. It kicks it off perfect and you feel like a little kid; you shouldn’t be going in there like ‘eh, this isn’t gonna win the Oscar’. Shut up, the Hulk should smash you.
VIDEO CLIP
M: “There’s so many good elements in this story, every superhero came to play. Everyone of these guys, it’s six of them in total, they all brought their A-game.”
K: “And let’s talk about the wild cards, because everyone of the trailers we talked about, we went, ‘uh, Scarlett Johanssen…eee…’
M: “We’re not always the smartest guys in the room”
K: “Scarlett Johanssen should go up to Ryan Reynolds and do this (flips middle finger) because she has the 2; say what you want about Iron Man 2 but it was successful, and this is gonna be mega-successful, while he’s got Green Lantern and taped-up devil face, whatever his name is.”
M: “She really impressed me in this movie, because she was the X factor going in where you weren’t sure; in that scene where everyone is preparing to do battle and she’s cocking her pistol: really? That’s gonna stop aliens? She really plays a good role.”
K: “Really bought it, and you know how I’ve been on this whole PG-13 over rated R kick the last couple months?”
M: “Over the last couple months? Since you’ve been 18.”
K: “Since I’ve been born…one of the things with the Hunger Games, ‘oh, they couldn’t show blood, they couldn’t make it R’; this has a lot of blood, this was PG-13, she’s in battle, she’s messed up…and I bought it. I bought it more than I did in The Hunger Games.”
M: “The other guy you’re thinking maybe this guy doesn’t fit in is Hawkeye, because, you’re gonna use 12th century technology to fight aliens? Guess what kids? It works out, he’s great in it. Jeremy Renner is Hawkeye.”
K: “And I like what they did with him, they kinda switched him up a little bit and threw a monkey in the wrench.”
M: “There’s some twists in this plot, you know?”
K: “Now let’s get to the all-stars, because that’s essentially what this movie is…it’s the all-star game. That’s what this is, and who came to play? They all came to play…now you have Thor, which is Chris Hemsworth, and this guy just owns this role now; he shows up, and he’s not as arrogant as he was. He’s still go the arrogance, but he’s not as reckless as he was in the Thor film.”
M: “He’s a little more humbled, he’s realized there’s places outside of Asgard…”
K: “He’s a god, a leader, a king!”
M: “He hasn’t been pumping quite as much iron as he used to, but you know who makes up for that? Chris Evans, that guy is huge now as Captain America.”
K: “He’s so good now as Captain America..yet another apology as to when they first announced Captain America was Chris Evans; ‘eeehhhhh’…he’s so good now as Captain America. He has that moral high ground and the goody-two-shoes and the World War II and he plays it so well you believe that Captain America is in this time.”
M: “Robert Downey Jr is Iron Man, and you talk about owning a role…I don’t know if I can separate the two any more, and that’s not a criticism, that’s just that he’s so good as Iron Man, and yes, there’s a little AC/DC for ya.”
K: “You know who Robert Downey Jr is in this movie?”
M: “Iron Man?”
K: “Besides that. A note to Michael Bay…you can be funny in films and not cartoonish. He hits, he nails it, it doesn’t suck you out of the scene because you go, ‘oh, that was funny’.”
M: “He’s not the only source of humor in the film, which I was happy with, but he’s very funny in the film, but this movie has a very good overall sense of humor…the tone was so perfect that Joss Whedon hit, and you talk about hitting stuff…
K: “I was gonna say, can we talk about the scene-stealer, the guy that was the best part of the movie, and was the Hulk. Because Ang Lee almost pissed away the Hulk forever, and then Ed Norton’s version, I really liked, I think alot of people did too…Ruffalo owns Bruce Banner and the way that it works, and they set it up so nicely and they tease you with it…and he comes out. Smash!”
VIDEO CLIP
K: “One other thing we gotta talk about, Loki.”
M: “Tom Hiddleston is Loki, in Thor he crushed it out of the park, in this one he crushes is out of the parking lot.”
K: “He’s great, and I remember we did some list about villians and it was YouReviewers Awards and I was like ‘eh, Loki, ok fine’…he’s so good in this because he’s got that little brother complex and he’s pissed off…not just that Emperor pure evil, but something drives him, and he’s kind of a whiny little bitch.”
M: “Yeah, he’s got that little brother mentality, but he’s also got a real 80′s rock lead singer vibe about him too…he’s got some flash, he’s got some showmanship. That’s what a great villian is, kids.”
K: “Yeah, he’s a great villain in this movie, and yeah…the Avengers? He spruced them up.”
M: “There’s so many scene-stealers in this movie, and to have all these elements and bring them all together…Joss Whedon when he was announced as the director, you wonder is this going to be a Sam Raimi situation, where he’s such a big fan that it kinda overshadows what the point of the whole movie is. He did this so expertly, he should have a labcoat, and glasses…he should get a degree from a prestigious university for how well he maneuvered this.”
K: “It’s fantastic and it’s so much fun…it’s everything you want out of a comic book movie. It’s two and a half hours, and at one point I honestly didn’t want them to beat the bad guys because I wanted it to be six hours.”
M: “You know what my criticism about this movie is? There’s not a sequel coming out next week.”
K: “Right, exactly…and there is a hidden scene, so make sure you stick around for that.”
VIDEO CLIP
K: “Alright, so let’s Schmoe this thing, it kicks off the summer, it really makes you think 2012 is gonna be fun, I love this movie…I’m doing it 5/5 Schmoes!”
M: “5 out of 5 Schmoes!”
K: “What’s wrong with it? Except maybe there’s a couple holes in the plot, who cares?”
M: (slaps Kristian in the face) “You know what I’m doing? Bang: 5/5 Schmoes…you can’t give a movie 5 and then complain…”
K: “I didn’t complain…I was just saying…”
M: “That’s why this is fun, we both love this movie, we both give it a perfect score, I believe it’s the first time in history that we both give the movie a 5…”
K: “No, Toy Story 3 happened.”
M: “Toy Story 3 was the last time, this is the first live-action film…can I say one more thing? You brought up Michael Bay earlier…at the end of Transformers 3 there’s this 45 minute action scene that I hated because it was great special effects but you couldn’t tell what the hell was going on. Guess what? There’s a way to do that, and to follow story, to root for the good guys and root against the bad guys…the end of this movie is just so epic, it blew my mind. Not an easily blown mind right here.”
K: “Alright, so that brings it to you guys…did you see it yet? Are you going to see it? When you see it, what did you think…let us know, we really wanna know, who’s your favorite Avenger? And if you’re new to Schmoeville and watching this from our website, click that button right there, subscribe to us on Youtube. Thanks alot!”
VIDEO CLIP
M: “Looking forward to seeing this…I may go see this one again.”
K: “Oh hey guess what pal? We are officially the first Youtube movie reviewers to be certified on Rotten Tomatoes. Hopefully it will open the door for alot more of you guys out there, and once we find out more about it, we’ll let you know.”
M: “The door is ajar…beep…beep…beep”
The Schmoes join Edgar Allen Poe and the Baltimore authorities looking for a killer in the film “The Raven”…would this tale of a grisly murderer basing his killings on Poe’s work have our heroes on the edge of their seat? Or looking to fly away asap?? Enjoy!
There’s a killer on the loose, and only one man can stop him…Edgar Allen Poe? That’s the premise of the new film “The Raven”, in which the authorities recruit the renowned author to help solve a series of grisly murders. Why? Well, this particular madman has based his killings on the stories written by none other than Poe himself. Over 160 years after the death of Edgar Allen Poe, the Schmoes Know guys head into the theater to see if this promising idea could turn into a satisfying tale of horror, gore and suspense.
Like most kids for the past century, Mark and Kristian studied a few of Edgar Allen Poe’s works in school…a troubled author not properly recognized in his own time, after his death he was recalled more fondly as one of the founders of the horror genre we all know today. Legendary works such as “The Raven” and “The Pit and the Pendulum” highlight the many works that a serial killer takes too literally in this new film…he carries out the fiction in a very real way and teases the Maryland authorities on his trail. Poe is played by John Cusack, a role that requires a delicate balance of humor, depression, and ultimately madness…Luke Evans, Alice Lee and Brendan Gleeson also appear in this period piece named for that most famous of Poe’s celebrated poems.
“The Raven” sets out to accomplish a storytelling experience not unlike the ambition of Poe’s own writing: envelop the reader in a dark, twisted world where all the horrors of the imagination are thrust into a frightening reality. Would John Cusack and company find success inspired by perhaps the greatest horror writer ever? Check out the Schmoes Know take!
The Schmoes take to the high-seas for claymation-style adventure with “Pirates!”…would this silly band of swashbucklers give our heroes a voyage to remember? Or would the Schmoes leave the theater muttering “arrggg!” (yep, we couldn’t resist).
When one thinks about pirates on the high-seas, the brain naturally conjures images of hooks, beards, and wooden-peg appendages. And with the new film “Pirates!”, add Play-Do to that list…that’s right, the latest entry from the creators of “Wallace and Gromit” and “Chicken Run” is a good ol’ fashioned swashbuckling pirate adventure! Always up for some light-hearted pillaging, the Schmoes Know land-lubbers headed into the theater hoping to find cinematic treasure for plunderers of all ages.
While animation has certainly grown in popularity over the last few decades (hey, it even has it’s own award category at the Oscars), claymation has remained on the back-burner to computer-generated fare from companies like Pixar. And since they began their movie program Schmoes Know, Mark and Kristian have found that animation of all kinds are consistently some of the best films of the year. But for a pirate ride like no other, the team at Aardman Animations has brought back the stop-motion technology and combined the best in 3D technology for a truly unique feel…when the Pirate Captain decides this is the year he is destined to win the “Pirate of the Year” award, he and his lovable crew set off on a quest that will take them around the know world. Whether it’s swordplay with rival bands of ne’er-do-wells or employing clever disguises to outwit Queen Victoria, this motley crew is up for anything.
A fast-paced story with stunning visuals and a ribald sense of humor is the treasure “Pirates!” seek; as for the Schmoes? Well, they just wanted a fun time at the movies…and maybe a sea shanty to croon on the voyage home. Check out their review right now!
International crime bosses, corrupt cops, and one special little girl get caught up in a scheme, and only Jason Statham can make things right…with the help of the Schmoes. With “Safe”, one Schmoe checks out whether Statham’s latest action flick delivers…a review that begs the question: “is it safe???” Enjoy!
With an action-packed summer season right around the corner, Jason Statham fires the opening salvo with the new film “Safe”…and no one appreciates an ass-kicking good time at the movies like the Schmoes Know guys. Kristian and Mark aren’t shy about their love for straight-up action films; while Harloff is a fervent admirer of ’80′s Schwarzenegger films like “Commando” and “Predator”, Ellis cites Van Damme vehicles like “Hard Target” amongst his favorite in the genre. And the boys seem to share the opinion that Jason Statham is worthy to carry on the torch of his action-flick predecessors.
“Safe” is the tale of a down-on-his-luck ex-cop (you guessed it…Statham!) and his quest to find something to live for…enter a brilliant little girl on the run from the clutches of the Chinese mafia. Kidnapped into the crime underworld for her uncanny memorization skills (important numbers are less hackable in a cute kid’s brain than in a computer), the most valuable child in New York escapes and finds the one man who can protect her. Much like his roles in the “Transporter” and “Crank” franchises, Jason Statham’s character is a soft-spoken badass who possesses just enough charisma to separate himself from action hero wannabes. And like his previous films, the fight scenes fly fast and furious thanks to director Boaz Yakim’s kinetic sytle that has enough frenzy to fascinate hardcore fans without alienating the popcorn-shoveling schmoes in the theater.
The Russian mob is corrupting an already dirty police force, the Chinese mafia are hell-bent on reclaiming their prisoner, and they’re all about to get a heavy dose of ass-kicking British steel…can “Safe” escort us into a tremendous summer at the movies? Find out with the latest review from Schmoes Know!
The Schmoes take the plunge into the latest rom-com from producer Judd Apatow, “The Five Year Engagement”…could the Jason Segal/Emily Blunt vehicle be a new high in wedding day shenanigans? Enjoy!
Ah, the romantic comedy…that genre so often said it’s been reduced to the term “rom-com”; when done right, it’s the type of flick that makes the girls wanna fall in love and the guys bust a gut. But over the years there’s been plenty of less-than-memorable movies in this section, that kind of dreck that makes you question whether true love can ever actually exist (or at least makes you wonder if it’s too late for the theater to give you your money back).
Being the hard-working Schmoes that they are, Mark and Kristian have seen the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to rom-coms…heading into “The Five Year Engagement”, the boys had reason to be optimistic: made by uber-producer Judd Apatow and directed by Nicholas Stoller (“Forgetting Sarah Marshall”), the film stars Jason Segal and Emily Blunt as a couple who get engaged, then suffer through a number of setbacks that put their wedding plans on hold. As Kristian loves to point out, chemistry between the leads is everything in a movie hoping to provide both “awws” and guffaws; and as a student of the genre, Mark knows a humorous romance is only as good as it’s supporting cast. “The Five Year Engagement” brings in plenty of relief, co-starring everyone from Chris Pratt, Kevin Hart and Rhys Ifhans to Mindy Kaling and Jacki Weaver.
Couples fall in and out of love all the time, relationships get rekindled every day, and people are constantly hoping to meet “the one”…however it is much more rare to find a romantic comedy that can combine all of these human activities and interject humor throughout. Would “The Five Year Engagement” be up to the task? Schmoes Know, and they have the answer for you right now!
And for the full transcript of this review, have no fear:
MARK: “Man five years is a long time, what’s the longest you’ve ever been in a relationship?”
(Kristian holds up wedding ring)
MARK: “Uh, well I’ve got a few weeks under my belt.”
KRISTIAN: “What do you have a Chia Pet?”
INTRO
KRISTIAN: “Hey everybody, welcome back to The Schmoes, if you are new to Schmoeville, click that subscribe button and you’ll never miss a review ever again.”
MARK: “We got the Five Year Engagement today Kristian. It’s a Romantic Comedy and it’s starring Jason Segel and Emily Blunt and a whole host of other people. They love each other, they fall out of love, they love each other, they fall out of love, here it goes.”
KRISTIAN: “I mean kind of, I don’t think they ever fall out of love…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
MARK: “You’re more of the love expert than I am….(points to Kristian).lover..(points to self)..fighter.”
KRISTIAN:”Yeah you were still thinking about The Avengers…Now in the posters you see “From the producers of Bridesmaids!” The big hit was Bridesmaids so they are going ot promote Bridesmaids. Apatow was a part of the production team but Nicholas Stoller directed this movie. Nicholas Stoller who directed Get Him to the Greek and Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”
MARK: “Enjoyed both of them, really Forgetting Sarah Marshall especially.”
KRISTIAN: “Yeah, so how did he do with this one?”
MARK: “I really really enjoyed this movie, I think what we really liked about this movie, the performances.”
KRISTIAN: “I agree.”
MARK: “If this was like a wedding party, I liked everyone at the wedding, there wasn’t the asshole at the wedding and gets drunk and does what I do.”
KRISTIAN:”We have pictures.”
(FILM CLIP)
KRISTIAN: “The main thing with this movie is that you have to have chemistry and Emily Blunt, they have it. Jason Segel, likable guy, dig his movies but it’s Emily Blunt. She is one of the best, if not the best..”
MARK: “You’re in love with this one.”
KRISTIAN: “If you put her next to a trash can, she’s going to have chemistry with that trash can.”
MARK: “So you can put her next to Hayden Christiansen and it would be fine?”
KRISTIAN: “Yes, absolutely they would be like “Hey he is a good Darth Vader.”
MARK: “So that’s our couple, Emily Blunt and Jason Segel but what is a couple especially in a Romantic comedy without the best friends or the sisters. Segel has a really funny best friend and Emily Blunt has a really really funny sister.”
KRISTIAN: “The funny thing about the best friend, what’s his name?”
MARK: “Chris Pratt.”
KRISTIAN: “There are a lot of times when he is telling jokes and you feel this could bomb, maybe Stiffler obnoxious..”
MARK: “We like Stiffler but that character is one that could go so far south so quickly and just ruin the whole movie but I thought he crushed it.”
KRISTIAN: “What was he in before?”
MARK: “He is on the show Parks and Recreation.”
KRISTIAN: “Right but he was also in the Oscar nominated Moneyball, this is why I liked his performance in this because he is so silly in this movie as opposed to that movie that was so serious, thought it was a great job. You also have a lot of supporting characters that add to it. Jackie Weaver who was the Oscar nominated actress from Animal Kingdom who plays Emily Blunts mom.”
MARK: “Oh wow, I didn’t even realize that! And you have all these other friends too, Chris Parnell from SNL fame is hysterical in it. Brian Posehn is very funny.”
KRISTIAN: “I’d like to talk about Rhys Ifan, he was another guy that could have been over the top as the dumb professor but he played it real and has some great lines, something about a caveman download which was amazing.”
(VIDEO CLIPS)
KRISTIAN: “This movie is very long. Apatow likes to do long movies, whether he is producing them or whatever he is doing. Romantic comedies, I feel should be one-thirty, one-forty tops. If you are going to make it two, everything needs to hit and this doesn’t do it. It really feels like Gone With the Wind.”
MARK: “This was like two-ten and sometimes like three hour epics that go by really quickly, this one doesn’t but every time I was feeling fatigue I was feeling fatigue in the theater, I’d come out of it every so often because they had this scenes in it that were so funny. Having said that you could have accordioned the movie a lot.”
(VIDEO CLIPS)
KRISTIAN: “The reason it feels like the Five Year Movie, it is because the tone is all over the place. That was my biggest problem with the movie. Sometimes it feels like a silly comedy and then it’s a drama and then it is absurd, then light-hearted. It is so all over the place. It just takes forever and it has so many Lord of the Rings type endings, I was bored.”
MARK: “It is a little overly ambitious and now that you mention it, reminds me of Funny People, starts off as one thing and goes into all these different tones and you (taps wrist) come on guys people have lives to live.”
(VIDEO CLIPS)
MARK: “It’s a long movie but I think it’s worth it to sit through it because it will bring you a lot of joy.”
KRISTIAN: “See I’m not on that page. I think it would be a fun date movie once but I think girls are going to like this more than guys. (To Mark) You don’t count, you liked Mirror Mirror.
After a while it is just painful.”
MARK: “I know that feeling, let’s Schmoe this bitch and get out of here.”
KRISTIAN: “This is going to be a hard one for me to Schmoe. I liked the actors in it, script was ok, the tone was inconsistent. I’m going to go 2.5 out of 5. You know what, because of the chemistry between Emily Blunt and Segel was so good, I say it just enters the 3 town but it could have been 2.5″
MARK: ” I am going to give this movie 3.5 out of 5 Schmoes. It’s a little long but very funny throughout the movie and I enjoyed it.”
KRISTIAN: “How about you guys? Are you going to see this movie? Do you care? Is there something else you are going to see this weekend? Let us know, comment below and if you are new to Schmoeville, you click that button right there and never miss a review ever again.”
(VIDEO CLIPS)
OUT TAKE
END VID
The Schmoes went through the rabbit hole to drink tea with Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter and battle the Jabberwocky…did they enjoy their experience? Is 3D really the wave of the future? Enjoy! Share on Facebook…
The Schmoes took the plunge and checked out "What to Expect When You're Expecting"...one Schmoe was well-prepared for the task, the other apprehensive about what he might discover. Enjoy!…
The Schmoes head back to Alaska...this time to save whales with "Big Miracle". Could the inspirational true story resonate with our heroes? Or would the lads find themselves wishing for the real footage instead? Enjoy!…
The Schmoes head back to Alaska...this time to save whales with "Big Miracle". Could the inspirational true story resonate with our heroes? Or would the lads find themselves wishing for the real footage instead? Enjoy!…
One intrepid Schmoe heads for the Polar Ice Caps with "The Thing"...would Ellis find a scary horror prequel? Or just a bunch of evil penguins?? Enjoy!…
