Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
I USED TO WANT MY MTV
“What’s a music video?”
The MTV music video awards aired over the weekend, hosted by Chelsea Handler, proving once again that some people shouldn’t appear in hi-definition.
“Probably drunk”
Handler responded to critics of her performance, telling them to, quote “f*ck off.” Chelsea’s like that kid on Fat Albert: no class.
Lady Gaga walked away with eight awards including video of the year. Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan walked away with whichever dude was closest.
“Biggest Loser.”
Cher presented Gaga with the video award, which was less like a passing of the torch and more like a passing of the botox injection needle.
“Something old, something new.”
The telecast almost took a turn for the tragic, when Justin Bieber was mistaken for the MTV Moonman Statue and presented to R. Kelley.
“Bieber’s Law.”
Considering MTV barely shows music videos anymore, them handing out Video Music Awards is a little like Fox News handing out awards for truth.
“I don’t want my FOX TV.”
OPRAHOMA
“Terror Australis”
Oprah Winfrey took her studio audience on an all-expenses paid eight day trip to Australia. Or as Australia is calling it: war.
Hey, remember that Oprah audience that all got free Peet’s coffee; wow you got hosed.
What’s cool is that in the Southern Hemisphere Oprah is annoying in the opposite direction.
What sucks is that the trip cost Australia 2.8 million dollars. And that’s just from the 15 tons of shrimp-on-the-barbie it took to feed Oprah.
Australia, as you know, was a former “penal colony,” oddly the same thing Oprah calls Steadman.
Australian officials say if they wanted someone to run up a multi million dollar tab at taxpayer expense, they would have elected President Obama.
HOLD THE MAYER
“Untweeting.”
John Mayer announced he is leaving Twitter for good. Like previous Mayer cast-offs, I hope this doesn’t mean Twitter is going to date random guys and do a string of bad romantic comedies.
“Unfollow.”
MR. FIX IT
“Kill Quentin.”
Quentin Tarantino is being accused of favoritism in his stint as Jury President at the Venice Film Festival. The director handed out awards to Sofia Coppola, among other long time friends. Hey, Venice, it could be worse. You could be Australia.
REGARDING HARVEY
“He’s a lawyer!”
Finally, The Beatrice Tuesday News Scoop ran into Harvey Levin at the gym over the weekend. Next time I see him, I’m breaking out a video camera, following him around and peppering him with annoying questions.
Until next time… SUCK IT!
-MB
