By Mike Beatrice
After Jackass star Ryan Dunn died in a tragic drunk driving accident, Roger Ebert Tweeted that “friends don’t let jackasses drive drunk.” Dunn’s friend Bam Magera then Tweeted at Ebert to shut his “fat f*cking mouth.” Which is of course impossible since Ebert has no jaw.
In Slumdog Limousine News, the Tata Motor Company has unveiled a car that runs on compressed air. Unfortunately, the car also blows.
In Sorta-Sports News, the 2011 Granny Basketball season is in full swing.
These old timers love basketball, but because of their age they don’t run or jump, and there is no physical contact. Appropriately, they are all taking their talents to South Beach.
In Nerd News, a new ruling has paved the way for unlimited domain name suffixes far beyond the traditional dot coms and dot orgs. Food sites will be listed as dot food, musicians can be found under dot music, and porn will of course be labeled dot cum.
In Sexting News, a suspicious package was found outside Congressman Anthony Weiner’s office. But it was nothing compared to the suspicious package found inside his office.
The Supreme Court has ruled against the women of Wal-Mart who filed a suit alleging sexual harassment. Have you seen the women of Wal-Mart? They should just be happy someone identified that they are women.
In a related story, I’m filing a restraining order against my Wal-Mart Greeter.
A rumor is going around that there is a Shaquille O’Neal sex tape. Apparently it’s like the rest of Shaq’s films; nobody has seen it.
In Music News (and I use the term “music” loosely), Amy Winehouse was booed off the stage at a performance in Serbia. Wow, who knew Serbians had taste.
Forbes Magazine rates Bon Jovi the second highest grossing band in the world. Wait, was it Forbes Magazine or “You Have to be F*cking Kidding Me Magazine?”
Bon Jovi is number two? Who’s number three? Amy Winehouse?
Oprah Winfrey didn’t stay retired for long; she’s launching a new network and says she wants to kick it off by interviewing OJ Simpson and getting him to confess. And with a little luck that confession will be him admitting he just killed Oprah Winfrey.
And as for the OJ / Oprah audience, “You get a glove, and you get a glove, and you get a glove!”
-MBThe WED Beatrice News Scoop (6-22-11),