It’s 2011 and The Beatrice News Scoop’s New Year’s Resolutions are doing about as well as the Big Ten in Bowl Games. The Beatrice News Scoop does have one Resolution that’s panning out: ALL LOHAN ALL THE TIME! Let’s get right to it:
1) SNOW BLOWER
Blizzards shut down much of the North East over the Holidays, with a late New Year storm socking in Las Vegas. Not sure what the problem is; if you want the white powder to disappear, just hire Lindsay Lohan.
2) SLUTTIEST PLACE ON EARTH
Disneyland is developing next-generation technology to help with crowd control and ride queues. If Disney really wants their long lines to disappear, just hire Lindsay Lohan.
(NOTE: That was the joke so nice I wrote it twice.)
3) EYE GHANDI
LiLo has been quoting Mahatma Gandhi on her Twitter account. No, she hasn’t discovered Hinduism, but she has been snorting a lot of white rice.
4) RIDDLE ME THIS
And now, to answer a News Scoop Reader’s question. “Sal” asks, “Why did LiLo turn down Dancing with the Stars?”
Excellent question, Sal. Apparently, Dancing with the Stars doesn’t allow Pole Dancing.
5) HOUSE PARTY
Now out of rehab, Lindsay has rented a house in the bohemian enclave of Venice Beach, California. In other words, she’s going from rehab to retox!
The house comes with four toilets, meaning Lindsay can go on a four day bender and never throw up in the same toilet twice.
Hey, *I* live in Venice Beach. Now I can change my New Year’s Resolution from “all Lohan all the time” to “Lohan, just once!” Follow my Twitter account for progress reports.
Candace Cameron has penned an autobiography outlining her travails with Bulimia. I empathize with Cameron; Full House made me throw up too.
On the bright side, I guess this mystery cover story has been solved:
In a related story, the Olsen Twins also revealed an eating disorder: gagging on Bob Saget’s c*ck.
In “Is-Anybody-In-Hollywood-Sober news”, David Arquette has entered rehab to win back ex wife Courtney Cox and his children. Life with David Arquette? Shouldn’t Courtney be the one drinking?
BTW, someone needs to explain to me how Cox went from Bruce Springsteen to David Arquette.
FAIR HAIRED BOY
In the current issue of Vanity Fair, Justin Bieber says he just wants to make people happy. I have a suggestion: retiring.
Marie Exley and a group of radical Christians have been touring the mid west heralding their belief that the world is going to end in 2011.
Their first clue? Little Fockers racking up 102.6 million dollars over a 12 day holiday release.
(NOTE: How do you not title Little Fockers “The Godfocker?” I know it was you Stiller, and you broke my heart.)
And finally, Oprah Winfrey has kicked off 2011 by launching her own network, aptly titled OWN. I think we all just assumed if Oprah ever owned a network, it would have been The Food Channel.
“Super Size Me”
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