By Mike Beatrice
Good news for struggling actresses in Hollywood; casting is underway for Tom Cruise’s next wife.
Being married to Cruise is like the Lakers’ Minneapolis championships. They are officially part of the record, but no one really counts them.
Katie Holmes isn’t the world’s best actress, but when it comes to portraying a gay Scientologist’s wife, she’s Meryl Streep.
Tabloids are reporting that Holmes will retain custody of Suri, while Cruise will retain custody of John Travolta.
Just to be clear, the difference between being gay and being a gay Scientologist is the difference between being Republican and being a Tea Party Republican.
James Franco has announced plans to make a, quote, “homo-sex-art-film.” Or as the rest of us call it: Magic Mike.
In 2010 Franco portrayed a male prostitute in the film “Sonny.” Can’t Franco just do what other respectable gay guys do: come out on CNN.
Thousands of men have gathered in New York for the annual BronyCon, a convention for men who enjoy My Little Pony.
Unfortunately for these guys, the BronyCon’s keynote speaker was Chris Hansen.
Alec Baldwin has remarried. The wedding photographer is expected to make a full recovery.
The United States has awarded one of its special “genius” visas to Shera Bechard, a Canadian Playmate and ex-girlfriend of Hugh Hefner. Isn’t Hef the genius here?
The special visa gets the former Miss November in and out of the U.S. with one catch: compulsory strip searches.
Kourtney Kardashian has given birth to a baby girl, weighing 7 pounds 4 ounces. And that’s just the baby’s booty.
Say what you want, but that baby’s already dating Kris Humphries.
Another Kardashian? Where’s Sigourney Weaver when you need her.
Lindsay Lohan posed for a controversial fashion shoot holding a gun to her head. Be very careful, Lindsay! That thing might not go off!
If she had shot herself, this would have been Hollywood’s most tragic self-inflicted loss of talent since Jon Erik Hexum.
Charlie Sheen has announced his retirement from acting. Wait, that was acting?
Then again, this is the same guy who once announced he was retiring from drugs and alcohol.
Jack Osbourne has been diagnosed with a disease that causes loss of muscle control, unstable mood swings and incoherence. In other words, he’s been diagnosed as an Osbourne.
Rodney King was found dead at the bottom of his swimming pool. His fiancée suspects foul play and the Los Angeles Police are investigating. Yes, because when you want the truth about what happened to Rodney King, you definitely call the LAPD.
Mitt Romney has embarked on a nationwide bus tour. Which is bad news for Romney’s dog.
Happy Birthday, Paul McCartney, who is now 70 years old. Sorry, Paul; the deal was we’d only need you until you were 64.
Anyone else find it troubling that Ringo has a 50/50 shot at being the last surviving Beatle?
The Scorpions have reunited for a 2012 tour. Sadly, these days the Scorpions can only muster the energy to rock you like a tropical depression
Speaking of which, Tropical Storm Debby has hit Florida. And Florida’s already signed her up as a registered voter!
Paris Hilton has announced her new career as a nightclub disc jockey. Makes sense; it’s a natural progression from BJing to DJing.
Jerry Sandusky has been sentenced to prison, which isn’t really punishment. It’s like sentencing an obsessive compulsive to The Container Store.
Nabisco is supporting gay and lesbian rights with a new special edition Rainbow Oreo. This Oreo is so disgusting, it’s the only thing Andy Dick won’t swallow.The Tuesday Beatrice News Scoop (DELUXE EDITION!),