Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
BAD DATE
Daylight Savings Time ended this weekend. Sadly, the hour we all gained was offset by the hour and a half we wasted watching Due Date.
“Miscarriage”
RED MAN WALKING
Good news for Team Coco! NBC pariah Conan O’Brien made his much ballyhooed return to Late Night television this week on TBS.
“Barbarian”
Of course to make room for Conan, TBS pulled an “Arizona” and deported previous time-slot holder George Lopez to a crappy new home.
“Adios Mother F*cker”
Meanwhile, Bill Carter, author of the original The Late Shift book has released a new work outlining the recent variety show shake up: The War for Late Night.
According to the book, David Letterman’s staff thinks he needs mental help, while Jay Leno’s staff thinks he needs writers.
“Desk Jockeys”
And it turns out early in his career Conan was so anguished over his ratings troubles he would hide under his desk, which is the same thing Letterman does, but with young co-ed interns.
And if you haven’t seen this Conan ad, you’re missing out:
UNARMED RESPONSE
The James Franco vehicle, 127 Hours, chronicles the real-life survival story of Aron Ralston, who had to amputate his own arm to escape certain doom.
“Franco American”
The bio-pic is having an odd effect on audiences: many movie goers are vomiting and passing out. It’s the same reaction I had to Twilight.
“Disarming”
The film is said to be quite graphic and conveys the dread of Ralston’s 127 hour ordeal. In fact, to get an idea of how long that is, imagine seeing the 93 minute movie 81.94 times.
In one shockingly ironic instance, a passed-out moviegoer found themselves stuck to the gooey theatre floor and to escape, had to chop off their own arm.
BABY DOLL
In lighter (and possibly gayer) news, as mentioned in the 10/19 edition of the Beatrice News Scoop, the Justin Bieber Dolly is finally available in Toys R Us just in time for the holidays. The Bieber dolls start at $14.99. No word on how much it costs to not buy them.
“Regifting”
LAYING LILO
According to family members, Lindsay Lohan has checked back into rehab and is, quote, “happy and relaxed.” Of course she’s happy and relaxed; the place she checked into is Vegas’ Club Rehab.
“Home away from Home”
Also, Father of the Year Michael Lohan is proud to report that he and his daughter are patching up their relationship, specifying they recently spent all day together. All day?? That ought to fix everything.
“Daddy Don’tcare”
MILANO DRINKFIELD WAR
“Sake Bombs”
In other “celebrity” (wink, wink) news, Alyssa Milano tweeted recently that she was carded at a restaurant while ordering Sake. And minutes later, Danny Pintauro bussed her table.
“Who’s the Busser?”
STEEL MANGANIELLOS
In casting news, True Blood’s resident werewolf Joe Manganiello is reportedly up for the titular role in the next Superman.
In this version, the Man of Steel is now vulnerable to kryptonite and silver bullets.
(NOTE: Can we all agree that not only was there never a Superman III, but that Richard Pryor was never in it?)
“Suckerman”
BAD BOYS
In pseudo-science news, a report says one in four men travel with a stuffed animal for reassurance. That number expands to four in four if we expand the definition of stuffed animal to include blow up dolls.
“Still has to rufie her.”
ISRAEL AND/OR BUST
And finally, speaking of blow up dolls, Pam Anderson is on tour in Israel promoting anti-fur legislation. Yeah, cause that’s Israel’s biggest issue right now.
To be fair, Pam is the perfect spokesperson for fake fur. She promotes fake everything else!
“Faux Her”
-MB
Man you pick on Lindsay a lot Beatrice. Bitter much?
I can’t believe that Bieber doll is real and that people would have the balls to buy it. Shame on you.
Why are you so negative man? Everyone of your news posts are just making fun of people.
Pam Anderson is a dirty pig but I would still do her under the moon with no condom
Ughhh, that guy looks NOTHING like Superman! Fail casting
Conan’s ratings have dipped big but he won’t be going anywhere.
Beatrice News is the funniest thing in the blog section/
Can someone please tell me what is wrong with Lindsay Lohan? Better yet, why do we give a shit??Why is she always a hot damn mess? Is she bi-poplar or something? WHAT?
You surely have talent which can be felt in your writing. It is remarkable how you come up with all these new celeb stories every week.