Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
YAHWHO?
It’s a heavy NOTE News Scoop week. Let’s start with this:
Perhaps you were among the millions who received an email from MySpace Tom over the last week or so. Actual subject line: “Ahem. Drum Roll Please.”
“There can be only one.”
And perhaps you were among the tens who didn’t delete instantly, and then saw that Tom was announcing he was “…pleased to present the new MySpace.,” adding, “Oh yeah. It’s time.”
Dear Tom: Stop. Just stop. You’re like a desperate ex. You keep calling and emailing and pretty soon I’m going to have to file a restraining order.
“Internet Predator”
No, I get it. You’ve been working out and cut your hair and you’re a whole different person now. But I’m sorry, Tom. I’m seeing someone else. Facebook. And Facebook does things you never did. It started with innocent poking but became so much more.
Admittedly, I do have a little sumthin-sumthin on the side. Her name is Twitter. Some nights, after a little hash tagging, we ReTweet alllll night.
But seriously, Tom. Stop.
In fact, Tom, I’m going to give you what you’ve always wanted. Your space.
Sigh.
THE STAR CHAMBER
Back to movie news, Bill Clinton is slated to join the cast of The Hangover 2. Apparently, they needed an on-set expert.
“Type Casting”
Bubba will be filming his scenes in Thailand. Ugh, I’m too tired. Please insert your own “Bangkok” joke here.
Hey, in a related story, Al Gore is set to star in The Social Network 2.
“Mr. Roboto”
THE BLUES
The special edition of Avatar comes to Blu Ray DVD today. And by “special,” I of course mean “retarded.”
“Avatartanic”
The new DVD includes 8 ½ additional minutes of footage, enhanced FX sequences, and a plot.
(NOTE: Yes, I reran that joke from an August Beatrice News Scoop, but if James Cameron can release a special edition in theatres *and* release a special edition on DVD *and* promise two forthcoming sequels shot back to back, then I get to recycle one lousy joke.)
FISHY
In Get-the-f*ck-out-of-here-News, Dick Van Dyke was apparently rescued by dolphins while surfing.
“Needs a Bigger Board”
Allegedly, while on his board, Van Dyke fell asleep and drifted out to sea, out of land-sight. When he awoke, dolphins came to his rescue and escorted him back to land.
If you’re like me, you don’t believe this story for an instant. Dick Van Dyke surfs? That guy can barely navigate an ottoman.
Speaking of his experience, Van Dyke says, “I woke up out of sight of land. I started paddling with the swells and I started seeing fins swimming around me and I thought ´I´m dead!´”
It’s the same thing Ernest Borgnine thinks every single morning.
“Dead Man Walking”
(NOTE: Before I get hate comments from the peanut gallery, I love Borgnine. Among my prized possessions? An autographed headshot of him, made out to me when I was 14. I’ll scan when I can. So suck it.)
(EXTRA NOTE: The Beatrice News Scoop Girlfriend keeps telling me they weren’t dolphins, they were porpoises. She too can suck it.)
ATE NIGHT
A quick update to the Beatrice News Scoop’s late night television coverage.
“Daved and Confused”
In Bill Carter’s book “The War for Late Night,” Carter alleges that prior to every “Late Show” broadcast, David Letterman stacks an obscene number of chocolate bars onto his desk, then devours them for a sugar high. It’s the same thing I do when writing this column, except with Jameson.
“Good Catholic Whiskey”
TISH 2.0
In celeb news, just when you thought the world surrounding Miley Cyrus couldn’t get stranger, or more irrelevant, it turns out one of the reasons Cyrus’ parents are splitting is that Tish Cyrus had been having an affair with Bret Michaels.
“Marriage Poison”
All together now: Ewwwwww!
Bret and Tish both deny the affair, so I guess that settles that.
And when asked about the issue on an a.m. radio show, Billy Ray Cyrus walked out on the interview leaving the DJ with dead air. Which ended up being more entertaining than the Billy Ray interview itself.
(NOTE: Is it possible that in the Cyrus family, Miley is the most mature?)
Oh, and for everyone who thinks I’ve been too hard on Lindsay Lohan, check out Ms. Kate Mulligan’s blog (which I love btw). And yes, this is shameless cross-promotion.
FANTASTIC SCAMS
The most popular hairstyle in Hollywood is under scrutiny.
“Brad Pitt’s Expendables”
Turns out the “blowout” style may be hazardous to your health because stylists use an unsafe amount of formaldehyde to achieve the look. This is bad news for celebs who enjoy the blowout, including Jennifer Aniston, Gwyneth Paltrow and Tom Brady.
“Blow me”
Formaldehyde to achieve the Friends “Rachel” blowout? Well, that explains why Anniston looks the same now as she did ten years ago.
(NOTE: Aniston’s on my laminated list.)
THE SIMPSONS
Bad news for Saints fans; Jessica Simpson is engaged to New Orleans Saint Eric Johnson.
“Romophobe”
Simpson, if you recall, dated Cowboy Tony Romo from late 2007 to mid 2009. Worth mentioning that in 2007, the Cowboys were a playoff team, as they were after the break-up in 2009. But in 2008 when Romo and Simpson were a full fledged couple? 9 and 7; no playoffs. On the bright side, at least New Orleans isn’t a superstitious city.
WHO (ALMOST) KILLED THE ELECTRIC CAR
In treehugger news, Vancouver police are looking for witnesses to a collision between an electric concept car and a cyclist that happened during the Zero Emissions Race. Happily, there were no fatalities, nor pollutants.
“Driver Down”
COUNTRY TIME
And finally (thank God) live from the Country Music Awards, actress Gwyneth Paltrow sang the title song from her upcoming film “Country Song,” her first ever live musical performance. And believe me, I was all set to make fun of this, but lo and behold Gwyneth can sing. Which puts her one up on her Coldplay husband.
“Beauty and the Beast”
That’s all for now. Stay tuned, true believers. Next week we cover Sarah Palin’s reality show!
Beatrice, out!
Amen Beatrice. Coldplay sucks. Oh and I believe Eric Johnson was on the Saints, but I think he is now jobless.
So rest easy Who Dat nation, it’s going to be the Pats, Steelers or Jets who ruin your repeat chances, not Mr. Jessica Simpsons.
Love all the bologgers but Beatrice is my favorite, witty and funny.
I’m glad they canned Mel Gibson, not because I dislike him, but Bill Clinton I think will be a much better cameo! I can’t wait to see this movie!
Finally a smart blogger-man…I love how you’re thinking…and writing!
Sarah is really controversial, but Sarah does have some decent thoughts. I do hope she becomes a candidate for President in the upcoming election. Even if she does not win, she will talk about some important topics and solutions which will force the other candidates to be more detailed in their responses.