Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
The annual nerd migration otherwise known as Comic-Con took place in San Diego last week. San Diego prostitutes were happy for the time off.
“LOLLAPALOSERS”
Just when you thought the Comic-Con couldn’t get dorkier, moderately famous internet sensation Mark Ellis was spotted over by the Batmobile exhibit asking to see the Car Fax.
“JUST SHOW ME THE BAT FAX”
Rush Limbaugh announced on his radio program that Bane, the super villain in the new Batman movie, is a thinly veiled liberal conspiracy against Mitt Romney and his Bain Capital scandal. Bane equals Bain? Man, this is really going to piss off the internet’s grammar police.
“THERE RIGHT”
In all fairness, liberal Hollywood did make a movie once about Rush Limbaugh: “The Blob.”
“BIG FAT LIAR”
Yes, Rush, once again liberal elite Hollywood has made a movie about the ultimate trust fund baby, Bruce Wayne, and his alter ego Batman, a vigilante who enacts his own personal death penalty without due process. Go back to Russia, Hollywood!
“THE DARK KNIGHT REDISTRIBUTES”
The Boy Scouts of America has reaffirmed its ban on openly gay members. Which is great news for the closeted gay Boy Scouts.
“DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL”
No gays in the Boy Scouts? Good luck with that Basketry Merit Badge.
“SCOUTS’ DISHONOR”
How do we determine who is and isn’t gay in the Boy Scouts? That’s what the Girl Scouts are for.
“WE-BLOWS”
Apparently if you’re a young American boy who has come out as gay, the only place left to apply is to Penn State football.
“ALSO WE-BLOWS”
In related news, Joe Paterno’s family disputes the scathing results of the investigation headed up by former FBI head Louis Freeh. In fact, the Paterno family has vowed to fund their own probe. Which is fine, but they seriously gotta call it something other than “probe.”
Penn State has elected to leave Joe Paterno’s statue in place, to recognize all the good he did despite the bad. It’s the same reason Berlin, Germany, keeps that statue of Hitler. Sure he massacred six million Jews, but he kept the trains running on time, liked dogs and spawned some really awesome World War II movies.
“BAD BOY”
Hurricane Fabio was expected to hit the west coast of the U.S. full strength this week. That is, until Fabio stalled out when it hit a goose.
“NOSE OF THE HURRICANE”
Kobe Bryant tells reporters the Colorado rape case made him a better person. And it made his wife Vanessa a rich person!
“DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER”
Forbes magazine reports that Sofia Vergara is the highest paid actress on TV, earning 19 million dollars last year. That’s 9.5 million per boob.
“MONEYBAGS”
Charlie Sheen has vowed to donate one percent of his Anger Management proceeds to the USO. Servicemen around the world are grateful, but would prefer he donate one percent of his Goddesses.
“SERVICE WOMEN”
Comedian Artie Lange got into a fracas while touring France. Apparently, Lange was shouting and creating a scene and had to be subdued. In the scuffle, French police ripped off Artie’s shirt, which they immediately waved as a flag of surrender.
“CHEESE EATING SURRENDER MONKEYS!”
The dispute between DirecTV and Viacom continues. As a negotiating ploy, Viacom has blacked out its programming from DirecTV subscribers. No more MTV? Now how are we supposed to not see music videos on television?
“REALITY BITES”
Comedy Central is also blacked out. Which means if you want to see Daniel Tosh tell rape jokes, you’ll have to pay for a Laugh Factory ticket just like everyone else.
“DOUCHE.0
Jennifer Lopez is leaving American Idol, and the rumor is that she was fired. Fired?? Now how is J.Lo going to make those Fiat payments?
“REPO WOMAN”
Unfortunately for J.Lo, her back up plan is residuals from The Back Up Plan.
“MONEYPIT”
AND FINALLY…
When George Michael woke up from his three week coma, he apparently suffered from the rare Foreign Accent Syndrome, speaking with a West Country accent instead of his native North London accent. Even stranger, when he woke up he no longer wanted your sex.
“WHAM-O!”
Very good idea!