By Mike Beatrice
The 2012 Olympics are underway in England, so now London traffic and London women have something in common: both are ugly.
The opening ceremony’s parade of countries was really just a ruse to get back all 204 countries the British Empire has lost.
In a little known subplot, every athlete living in the Olympic Village was issued one condom. And every British athlete was issued floss.
Here in America, NBC’s local news last night was delayed by Olympic coverage, but finally aired live at midnight. Which is the only thing NBC’s aired live since Friday.
Among the highlights of the Olympics so far, watching Sweden vs. Norway in women’s handball. Or as the rest of us call it: porn.
In other entertainment news, Mariah Carey has been confirmed as a new judge for the upcoming season of American Idol. Her hiring should boost ratings amongst homes with dogs, as dogs are the only ones who can hear Mariah Carey sing.
Actor Christian Bale visited the Colorado hospital where victims of the Aurora “Dark Knight Rises” shooting are recovering. Bale was said to be tender and compassionate, that is until a nurse crossed his line of sight.
Sherman Hemsley, better known as TV’s George Jefferson, has died. He’s finally movin’ on up to that deluxe apartment in the sky.
Denzel Washington is set to return to TV as the reimagined Equalizer. Makes sense; Denzel and Edward Woodward are practically twins. Well, for at least the two seconds that Woodward was silhouetted.
A New York Times columnist has resigned after making up quotes for his interview with musician Bob Dylan. In all fairness, how else are you supposed to quote Bob Dylan?
On Jeopardy Kids Week, young Michael Cline told viewers that he is inspired by the books of John Grisham to one day become a lawyer. And if the kid’s really smart, he’s also inspired to never adapt his story for television.
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have ended their three-year relationship. Which is not what fans of Twilight were promised.
Eight and a half years after his third wife was found dead in a bathtub, the murder trial of Drew Peterson is finally set to begin. Dear god, if he had just gone to prison when it happened, he’d be out by now.
Turns out HBO’s The Newsroom star Olivia Munn has a rare anxiety disorder compelling her to tear off her eyelashes. Here’s hoping The Newsroom’s wardrobe department is now making Olivia Munn’s clothes completely out of eyelashes.
Attention James Bond fans: virally speeding around the internet is the newest trailer for the forthcoming 007 film, Skyfall. Or as I like to call it: The Quantum Knight Rises.
The rebooted Total Recall opens this week. Between Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel, it’s a tossup which actress the fan boys hope has three boobs.
Tom Cruise took his daughter Suri to Disney World over the weekend. No one really noticed the superstar walking around the amusement park; everyone just assumed that Snow White had gotten an eighth dwarf.The Thursday Beatrice News Scoop,