By Mike Beatrice
The Avengers broke opening weekend records with a box office haul of 207.4 million dollars. It would have made an additional $20, but my parents mistakenly watched the wrong movie:
The Avengers’ success leaves only one question: How long until Hollywood reboots The Avengers?
Speaking of reboots, Universal has announced plans to redo Van Helsing with Tom Cruise. It’s going to be a short film.
Lindsay Lohan and Woody Allen were spotted dining together in a New York restaurant. That’s odd. Isn’t she a little old for him?
Woody declined taking a doggy bag from the restaurant, saying he’d eat some Korean at home.
John Travolta is being sued for allegedly masturbating while fondling a masseur’s penis. Travolta denies the incident ever happened, saying it was Nic Cage wearing his face.
According to the masseur, Travolta says he’s done things in his past that would make most people throw up. For example, Battlefield Earth.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son Patrick attended high school prom at an exclusive beachside hotel. In true Schwarzenegger fashion, Patrick ditched his date to hook up with one of the maids.
A group of domestic terrorists were arrested for conspiring to blow up all the bridges in Cleveland. They would have succeeded too, but LeBron James already burned those bridges.
A rumor exploded on the internet that Suge Night had been arrested for the murder of Tupac Shakur. Turns out, it was just Suge Knight’s hologram.
A new study warns that by 2030, 42% of Americans will be obese. Coincidentally, by 2030 42% of Americans will dine at Golden Corral.
James Cameron has announced he is dedicating all of his filmmaking efforts to Avatar 2, 3 and 4. Like Picasso, he’s going through his blue period.
A Nebraska man has legally changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex. If he really wanted to be named after an extinct dinosaur, he should have gone with “Dick Clark.”The Thursday Beatrice News Scoop,