By Mike Beatrice
After just 72 days, Kim Kardashian has divorced NBA almost-star Kris Humphries. Bad year for Humphries. First locked out of the NBA, now locked out of Kim’s bedroom.
Fueling fires that the marriage was one big sham, Kim never legally changed her last name but did receive $17.9 million in exclusive rights and sponsorship.
Dear Religious Right: For the record, this was the gayest wedding ever and you’re nowhere to be found.
Now that the power couple is on the outs, you would think they’d divide up the marriage proceeds 50-50, but there’s more bad news for Humphries. Kim’s divorce lawyer is David Stern.
Occupy Wall Street protests in Oakland, California have turned violent as protestors clash with police…and Raiders Fans.
Oakland seems like an odd city to protest; the only citizen who qualified as the 1% died.
The last literate high school students in America are protesting the film Anonymous, which challenges who actually wrote the works of Shakespeare. C’mon girls, everyone knows Shakespeare was written by Joseph Fiennes.
In a related story, if you believe in evolution it turns out one of our infinite monkeys did eventually produce Shakespeare.
A DVD set of all four Indiana Jones movies is available on Amazon.com for a limited time offer of $40.00. But it’s $50.00 if you want it without Crystal Skull.
Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain is facing sexual harassment charges from former employees. To be fair, the pizza mogul wasn’t actually sexually harassing; he was just offering extra sausage.
Still, Cain’s poll numbers don’t seem to be suffering. In fact, he’s doing so well he’s thinking of changing his campaign slogan:
Faced with a fan’s paternity suit, 17 year-old Justin Bieber is calling the allegations “malicious, defamatory and demonstrably false.” Wow, big words for someone who still hasn’t taken the SAT.
Congratulations to the recently born baby that brings Earth’s population to seven billion. And good luck being raised by Justin Bieber.
Seven billion people in the world? That can only mean one thing:
Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Well, 30 days or however long it takes Playboy to finish their photo shoot.The Thursday Beatrice News Scoop (11-3-11),