Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mark Reilly
Howdy all you juicy, young bohemians!
It’s that time again. That’s right, folks…it’s time for my yearly urinalysis. Wait. It’s the Reilly Roundtable… My apologies. My blackouts are getting worse.
It’s also time for Thanksgiving! My least favorite holiday in the world! You may be asking yourself, why? Why, Reilly, do you hate a holiday that revolves around the consumption/gorging of yummy food, watching football and drunkenly arguing with your family about the ending to INCEPTION?
Well, Thanksgiving is between my two favorite holidays – Halloween and Christmas – and it just feels like a roadblock between getting from one to the other. It’s also because this fricken town, Hollywood, goes pretty dark and all I have to show for it is THOUSANDS of shoppers getting in my way as I head to the movies.
Seriously, what the hell is up with Black Friday??? Why do people go bat-shit insane trying to finish ALL their shopping in one fucking day??? You all need to chill the f’ out. Buy me something gold with diamonds if you care so much.
“I will cut your throat for that George Foreman grill!”
So as we head into the holidays, I thoughtg I would update you all on some newsworthy articles that just hit the interwebs. My favorite, by far, is JOSS WHEDON’S reaction to the news that BUFFY is getting the reboot.
Yup, they’re rebooting BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, that movie with Luke Perry, not the TV show… I’m so confused. Why reboot a movie when you have a perfectly viable franchise of fans in love with the Sarah Michelle Geller series? That could easily be a movie…. Especially since Joss created a ‘season’ of Buffy episodes in comic book form. And those comics sold like hotcakes. There’s your audience.
“Why give a billion fans what they want?”
It seems to me, and I have never seen any of the episodes or the movie they were based on so my opinion here is totally based on strong evidence…. It seems to me that it’s just another cash grab using name recognition. And, most likely, it’s going to cater to the Twilight fan base. Which made me just throw up in my mouth a little bit.
Here’s what Joss said in an email to E! Online:
“Kristin, I’m glad you asked for my thoughts on the announcement of Buffy the cinema film. This is a sad, sad reflection on our times, when people must feed off the carcasses of beloved stories from their youths—just because they can’t think of an original idea of their own, like I did with my Avengers idea that I made up myself.
Obviously I have strong, mixed emotions about something like this. My first reaction upon hearing who was writing it was, “Whit Stillman AND Wes Anderson? This is gonna be the most sardonically adorable movie EVER.” Apparently I was misinformed. Then I thought, “I’ll make a mint! This is worth more than all my Toy Story residuals combined!” Apparently I am seldom informed of anything. And possibly a little slow. But seriously, are vampires even popular any more?
I always hoped that Buffy would live on even after my death. But, you know, AFTER. I don’t love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I’m also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly. I can’t wish people who are passionate about my little myth ill. I can, however, take this time to announce that I’m making a Batman movie. Because there’s a franchise that truly needs updating. So look for The Dark Knight Rises Way Earlier Than That Other One And Also More Cheaply And In Toronto, rebooting into a theater near you.”
Leave me to my pain!
Sincerely, Joss Whedon.
Seriously, I love Joss. I love his sarcasm, his bite – and his sticking it to the higher ups, calling em’ out. He’s right on. It’s what I’m mostly bitching about in this column. Well, that and FOX… I will hold off on FOX this week because they’re apparently on vacation. A show of respect as a Thanksgiving treat, fine sirs’…
“Happy Thanksgiving, FOX.”
Okay… On the flip side of things, here’s an interesting movie that is going into production. It walks a fine line between capitalizing on name recognition and just being ballsy and cool enough to get me interested.
A Swiss filmmaker by the name of Ben Hibon is set to direct the movie PAN, a gritty and contemporary interpretation of PETER PAN. What’s different you may ask? Well… it’s about the story of a washed up cop named Hook who investigates mysterious kidnappings by a childlike kidnapper… Namely Pan.
And let me tell you something – I actually read this script a while back as I was doing some time in the clinker er, studios. It’s bitchen. And when I say bitchen, I mean dark and fucking twisted, bitchen. I would say it’s a little like SE7EN but with Peter Pan as your John Doe.
“Second star to the right and straight on to morning for… murder!”
Right? I’d see this movie! Just so long as they go balls to the wall. ‘Air-guitars-wailing-rocking-the-sign-of-the-Devil’ balls to the wall, you know? Even though they are twisting the Peter Pan myth, they won’t be catering to kids. At least I hope they’re not going to cater to kids. Or make it PG-13. Jesus… what if they make it PG-13? If they make this a PG-13 romp through a magical underworld with danger around every corner, I’m going to punch someone in the balls!!!
Okay… So in other movie news, here’s a story I heard about a long time ago. Like 2008 long time ago, so you’ll pardon me while I question why Deadline Hollywood was splashing it across their home page. THE LONE RANGER.
Yes, that’s right. The Lone Ranger is getting his own movie. And it’s going to star Johnny Depp as Tonto.
Tonto.
Tonto… As in, NATIVE AMERICAN, Tonto?
“Seriously? These actually exist?”
Seriously. What’s up with NOT casting some very talented Native American in the roll, giving a chance to an actor trying to make it in this business? I know there are millions of actors out there of every race and you go ahead and cast Johnny Depp?
I’m not usually this political but… come on. I call a douchebag a douchebag. And this is full of douchebaggery.
I’m all for you Mr. Depp, don’t get me wrong. I like your myriad of kooky performances that seem to grace the silver screen every… single… year. Okay, here’s the thing – You lost me Depp. Your Mad Hatter was, legitimately, psychotic. I didn’t know what the hell I was watching as you Cabbage Patched around sporting a Scottish/English/German accent.
And I’m starting to see what’s going on. You throw some shit in your eyes to make them a different color, grow you nose hairs long and strap on some pink lapels? Then you dance the jig at the end of the movie… It makes 300 billion dollars so now you have free reign to paint yourself tan, modify some caricature of a ‘native’ accent, and perfect a limp that you got fighting rattlesnakes? Come on!
“Not far off…”
If you were playing the Lone Ranger, I’d buy it. And now that Gore Verbinsky is ‘officially’ directing, it just feels like a Pirates clone but in the old west. Plus, it’s being produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. You pretty much know what you’re getting. And all the news articles I am reading refer to it being a starring vehicle for Depp where they spin the mythos to be about Tonto as the hero and Lone Ranger is the sidekick. I can pretty see the movie in my head:
TONTO
You must be still! Calm your mind!
LONE RANGER
(as he sinks deeper into the quick sand)
Calm my mind??? I’m sinking!
TONTO
I told you not to drink fire-water. You not wander
in desert without me. See what happens?
There’s some movement around the quicksand. The Lone Ranger looks troubled.
LONE RANGER
Tonto… That whoopy juice you gave me is starting to wear off.
It looks like those rattlesnakes have machine guns strapped to their heads!
The MECHANICAL RATTLESNAKES with MACHINE GUNS strapped to their heads, slither closer and closer. Ready to strike.
LONE RANGER
Do something!
The music (composed by Hans Zimmer) kicks into high gear as Tonto pulls out his bow and arrow– fires an arrow that ricochets off the Lone Ranger’s belt buckle, taking out every single rattlesnake. Tonto leaps on the ground and grabs the Lone Ranger’s hand.
LONE RANGER
Lucky shot.
TONTO
No such luck. I too drank fire-water.
LONE RANGER
Oh, Tonto!
Tonto and the Lone Ranger laugh a hearty laugh as we FADE OUT.
You know, that’s pretty good. Anyone have the address to Jerry Bruckheimer’s cleaning lady so I can get her a script?
Anywho. I’m putting THE LONE RANGER on notice. I’m watching you.
On a side note, I just watched my first ever episode of DANCING WITH THE STARS. Apparently, it’s a big deal. And after David Hasslehoff came sauntering out, singing his latest single that is smashing all kinds of German records, carrying a buoy… I thought to myself… I really want to punch someone in the kidneys.
The SUPERMAN rumors keep flying in fast and furious. I haven’t even been able to pick my top faves. Instead, news is spreading that Zack Snyder wants MATTHEW GOODE for his man of steel.
British, Matthew Goode. He played Ozymandis in Watchman? No, don’t recognize. Okay, how about MATCHPOINT? CHASING LIBERTY? Okay, here’s a pic:
“Um…”
So then I read something that makes me real uneasy. Zack Snyder wants to ‘enhance’ Matthew’s muscles using CGI…
So, this piece of news renders my Superman praise on Snyder completely moot. That sucks. Already I can see Snyder is going to do the same thing as he did in 300. Mostly FX. I am now questioning all those Spartan’s abs and calling for a recount.
“I call bullshit.”
I know SUPERMAN might call for some FX but shouldn’t you be worrying about character and story? What if you actually find someone with the build in question and then focus on telling the story of a man who is afraid to be a superman? If I had CGI muscles, I wouldn’t be afraid to go out and lift a train off of some model. It doesn’t fit the theme and possible concepts for this new movie…. At least from what I’ve heard. Why would you waste time on CGI muscles? That’s like when a guy with a small dick buys a tank and drives it to K-MART. Come on! What are you afraid of?
And because I read this on the Internet, it totally means this is fact and going to happen. So I’m going to pout now and go play Playstation 3.
….In other Superhero news, rumors are saying that the next Batman movie will be all about Doctor Hugo Strange. A man that was able to figure out Bruce Wayne’s secret identity and then impersonate him. All the while, Commissioner Gordon has reluctantly created a task force to capture the Batman.
“The doctor is in, Bitch.”
They are saying Hugo Strange will be played by Tom Hardy. And I’m all for it. It’s loosely based on the comic series known as PREY, a fantastic story that fits into the mythology of Nolan’s universe – the task force hired to bring in Batman will fit perfectly with the ending of DARK KNIGHT – when Batman screams off into the distance as a fugitive after taking the blame for Harvey Dent’s death.
I like it. If it’s true, and again, read it on the Internet so it’s gotta be true, I’m happy to see Nolan focusing on another interesting story using talented actors.
Nolan, this sounds cool. Superman, not so much. If you need some creative counseling, I happen to be waiting outside your agent’s office building every Thursday hoping you’ll sign my chest.
PS: Click here to se my buddies, The Schmoes video when Tom Hardy was cast in the new movie:
And finally, ZOMBIELAND writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick have signed on to direct the black comedy DOC AND HOWIE. It’s about two hipster slobs who accidentally kill an old lady when they refuse to help her carry groceries up a long flight of stairs. The death puts the two in direct contact with the elderly woman’s attractive granddaughters who become interested in them.
So, you know, that’s happening. Just thought you should know. A movie about some murderers getting laid. Yeah…. Oh look, shiny things!
“Oooooh….”
I realize of course these bits of news and commentary have nothing to do with Thanksgiving. But since this is a movie news website and Thanksgiving is today, this is what you get. I’ll be going now… Eating some turkey and then standing in line for a second showing of HARRY POTTER.
Thanks for all the awesome comments everyone! I love reading them. Please keep them coming!
Until next time, see you in line…
Reilly
Can’t begin to comment on all the things you’ve covered, but I’ll toss in a couple of things.
Tonto should be played by a Native American actor. Does it really have to be a major star in the role? Unless they are going for a farce, which would be even worse. Personally, I wouldn’t hold out much hope for a ‘good’ Lone Ranger film. The last Big Screen attempt and the television version from several years ago were just embarrassing. Changes were made for no reason and the actors in the motion picture all seemed like they would rather have been someplace else.
Hugo Strange had slippied my mind while thinking about possible Bat-foes for the third film. He has been used quite well in some story-arcs and it would be cool seeing two Batmen going up against each other.
Just read about the Buffy reboot the other day and had much the same reaction. Why? The cast of the TV show could easily play the same roles, just have it several years after the last episode aired. Hey, Miley Cyrus as Buffy, what could be better? Heard that Megan Fox was being considered. She did such an amazing job in Jonah Hex, after all!
Steve, I’m so scared your call that Miley Cyrus will now enter the Hollywood ether and come true! Let’s hope not…
Great comment! Good to hear from you, man!
I also think Tonto should be played by a native American. They could get that guy that won the lifetime achievement award at the Santa Fe film festival. Then he could talk for 3 hours about how he got “restarted” in acting.
Dude, did Fox beat you up as a kid? You rip on them every article.
I wonder if that gem of a theme song from the 1981 Lone Ranger movie will be remade. Ke$ha would do wonders to “THE MAN IN THE MASK!” Ha, stupid ass remake. Westerns blow.
I just robbed a grocery store, but I am wearing Tonto underoos, I won’t be a free man for much longer.
Word up Reilly, kick ass man
It’s great to discover great posts like this Thank you!