Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
First Beatrice News Scoop of 2012!
“BALL DROP!”
Bristol Palin is “quitting Hollywood” and moving back to Alaska, prompting many to ask, “Bristol Palin was in Hollywood?”
“RUNAWAY BRIDE”
You know the economy is in trouble when nepotism and a trust fund aren’t enough to succeed in Tinsel Town.
To be fair, quitting runs in Bristol’s family.
“JOBLESS CLAIM”
On the bright side, Bristol will no longer have to run the risk of awkwardly bumping into Levi Johnston at whichever Cheesecake Factory he’s waiting tables at.
“BAD GENES”
1970′s teen star Kristy McNichol has come out as gay. Or as many of today’s teens call her, “Who?”
“LITTLE DARLING”
Honestly, it would be more surprising if Kristy McNichol came out as straight.
This revelation has to be hard on her family.
“DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY”
Durango, Colorado, high school student Sydney Spies’ racy yearbook photo has been rejected. According to one student, they thought the photo would make the yearbook seem unprofessional. Au contraire; this photo looks very professional.
“WORKING GIRL”
High School officials have relented, saying they will publish Spies photo if she pays $300. Don’t worry, Sydney. This will be the last time in your life you’ll be the one paying the $300.
Disney has announced the next amusement ride to be developed into a movie will be the Matterhorn Bobsleds. This marks the first time the line for the ride will be longer than the line for the movie.
“SWISS MISS”
No word on which actor will be cast to say “permanecer sentados por favor.”
Tim Tebow went biblical on the Pittsburgh Steelers Sunday, beating them 29-23 in overtime. Tebow celebrated his victory by turning Gatorade into wine.
“PRAYER OF THE GAME”
Hey, God: if Tebow can work on a Sunday, why can’t Chick Fil A?
“…AND IT WAS GOOD.”
The Schmoes recently asked on their movies.com show who the top five disturbing women in film were. Here’s the Scoop’s list:
5) Kathy Bates in About Schmidt (nude scene only).
4) Linda Hamilton / Sigourney Weaver but only because being attracted to them makes you wonder if you secretly like dudes.
3) Zelda Rubenstein; the creepy old lady in Poltergeist.
2) Linda Hunt; the creepy old lady in everything.
1) Dakota Fanning.
Speaking of disturbing women, Chaz Bono says that he/she is saving up for penis attachment surgery. Shouldn’t be too hard to find a dick nobody’s using:
“DICKLESS”
AND FINALLY…
Critics are panning NBC’s new series “The Firm” starring Josh Lucas because of hard-to-believe story lines. For example, we’re really supposed to buy that Mitch McDeere is suddenly 5’11″?
“SHORT STORY”
