Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
Hairstyling icon Vidal Sassoon has died at the age of 84. Not really a shock; he’s been dyeing for years.
“TOO SASSOON?”
Legendary designer of American muscle cars, Carroll Shelby, has also died. He is survived by the millions of children conceived in back seats.
“SHELBYVILLE”
DC Comics is set to out one of their superhero characters as gay. This is good news for comic book fans who can finally identify with a hero not having sex with women.
“HAND SOLO”
George Clooney hosted a fundraiser for President Obama. For just $40,000 you could see stars like Barbra Streisand. Or as Streisand calls it: a Groupon.
“MONEY GIRL”
The Hollywood trip was great for the Secret Service. Instead of paying for sex, they just told women they were producers.
“SERVICE INDUSTRY”
The Clooney party created quite a traffic nightmare in Los Angeles. For one thing, guests driving to the party could only turn left.
“ONE WAY”
Al Gore is dating again. No word on who the lucky robot is.
“INTERNET DATER”
A new study shows that people who drink coffee live longer. Unfortunately, that’s offset by the time coffee drinkers waste in line at Starbucks.
“VENTI TIME WASTER”
To avoid paying taxes, Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin has relinquished his U.S. citizenship. Or as he calls it: unfriending the United States.
“TAXVILLE”
ABC’s “Happy Endings” has been renewed for the fall season. Which is bad news for John Travolta’s DVR.
“PEEP SHOW”
John Travolta says he’s tired of the “whisper campaign” questioning his sexuality. Whisper campaign? Turn on the TV, John; it’s actually a full volume campaign.
“LOOK WHO’S TALKING”
The latest Travolta sex allegations involve a cruise ship. No, not a boat; “cruise ship” is just what Tom Cruise calls his penis.
“BOSOM BUDDIES”
In a related story, the new en-vogue sex game is to role play John Travolta and Kelly Preston. You and your spouse sleep in separate rooms and don’t have sex.
“MODERN FAMILY”
18 year-old India Eisley has been cast as a young Angelina Jolie in the forthcoming film, Maleficent. So once again an American job has been outsourced to India.
“GIRLS”
Young India is a quick study; she’s already stealing young Brad Pitt from young Jennifer Aniston.
“EX FACTOR”
Jenny McCarthy will appear nude in the upcoming July/August issue of Playboy Magazine, a whopping 19 years after her first pictorial. And if she poses nude after that, it will have to be in AARP Magazine.
“OLDER WOMAN”
AND FINALLY…
The now-infamous “Tanning Mom” says she’s open to the idea of posing naked in Playboy Magazine. Finally, an issue men will actually read for the articles.
“GROSS”
