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Our Review of The Expendables 2:
Kristian: You ready?
Mark: Let’s do it.
K: I’m back!
M: Welcome to the party, pal.
K: I’m your worst nightmare.
M: Hunting season…is open.
K: What’s that from?
M: Come on, man…Hard Target!
K: The Expendables 2, what is it? It’s Arnold, it’s Stallone, it’s Bruce, they’re all back, old as shit and they’re still fighting!
M: It’s the dream of every young boy, we all had that fantasy of every action hero teaming up for one movie…that was the first Expendables. In this one, we add Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzennegger actually in the movie, and my personal all-time favorite, Jean-Claude Van Damme!
M: Let’s give ‘em the plot first.
K: What plot? There is no plot…there’s a mission, we’re on the mission, Van Damme’s in the way, we have to stop him. There’s your plot.
M: There’s something going down in a faraway part of the world, so a bunch of old guys who are the demographic for Cialis decide to stop it by blowing everything up and saying witty one-liners.
K: Witty one-liners? Some are witty, and some are horrendous.
K: I had a lot of fun with this movie, I knew what to expect, I got exactly what I wanted…some person sitting next to me, I guess he thought he was watching The King’s Speech, was groaning left and right the whole time…come on! You should know better. You’re gonna get some good one-liners, some bad ones, some laughs when it’s supposed to be serious, but it’s fun.
M: Some good one-liners and some you don’t even understand. Stallone was harder to understand in this movie than Bane.
K: Stallone now looks like Jackie Stallone…he’s even got the French beret thing going. And when he runs? Ugh, look out.
M: You can still see some of that Rocky stride, but he ain’t making it all the way to the top of those Philly museum steps anymore.
M: But Stallone does a great job running point for the mission, and the movie as a whole. You have all these huge action stars, and Sly let’s them all have their moments.
K: And Simon West directed this movie, Stallone brought him in because I guess he didn’t want the headache of making amother one…just let me shoot guns and warble out quips.
K: And then you have Statham in it, him and Stallone have established this great chemistry, a really good back-and-forth…sometimes their banter works, sometimes it falls flat, but the repoire is good.
M: Sounds like a movie review show I sometimes watch; if we were ex-special forces guys that’s who we’d be. Statham almost stole the first movie he was so good; no one steals this movie on the good guys side because they all play so well together as a team.
M: However, the team hasn’t been to acting class in a while….Randy Couture ain’t the best thespian in the world.
K: Look, I love Randy Couture, he’s one of my favorite UFC fighters of all-time, but I’ve seen better acting by extras in a Pauly Shore movie.
M: But we give him a pass because in real life, he could probably beat up any of the other guys in this movie.
K: There’s a scene where he’s throwing elbows and you know how bad that stand-in is getting hurt.
M: Terry Crews is his buddy, he gets to be pretty much himself and shoot guns all over the place.
K: And his acting has actually improved, but you don’t go to this movie for the acting…some of it is ok, and some of it is terrible, but it’s still fun. Is Dolph Lundgren out of his mind saying these lines? Yes, but we love to watch it. And I’ll tell you what, there’s actually a good performance by…get ready…Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth.
M: He’s almost too good of an actor to hang with these guys…don’t stand out too much, dude. And speaking of real acting, you have Mr. Arnold Schwarzennegger back, baby.
K: And he is rusty…he’s had some other things going on, extra marital affairs and what-not.
M: He also ran a state for a while, so he’s getting used to being in front of a camera again, getting some reps in the gym again.
K: He has some great one-liners and some cringe-worthy ones, and you can say Bruce Willis may be mailing it in a little bit too, but this is like the action Ocean’s 12. Yeah, it’s not winning Oscars but they’re in it to have fun, and we had a blast too.
M: The best performance in this movie, and I’m not just being a homer here, is Jean-Claude Van Damme, ladies and gentlemen! Now, going into this movie I was a little disappointed because he was the villain, and I didn’t want to see him be the bad guy. But, he gets a chance to stand out, have fun woth the role, and he knocked it out of the park. Well done, buddy!
K: Some of you may also remember him being the villain in No Retreat, No Surrender and Black Eagle…my thing with him is that he wasn’t in it enough. I wanted more of him, when he’s in it he’s great. Some of his lines aren’t great but that’s not his fault. He comes on screen, and he still has that Van Damme charisma, and he can still pull off that kick.
M: That classic Van Damme kick, you get to see it a number of times, and everyone has their signature moves that they all get to bring to the table. Even Chuck Norris gets to show off what the Norris mystique has become, and poke fun at it.
K: I was worried about Chuck Norris wanting to make this thing PG-13, but you can tell from the opening scene of this film that it’s R all the way.
M: You’re shoving popcorn in your face, there’s blood everywhere…oh, you had a big problem with the cgi blood in the first one; I didn’t mind it. What’d you think about it in the sequel?
K: It was horrendous in the first one, not nearly as bad in this one…I could still see it because a few times I was really looking for it, but that’s me nit-picking. You see some crazy stuff, over-the-top, heads exploding, but it’s fun.
M: I look at it like some added flair; this movie is a sweet ‘80’s rock concert, and you look up and see some fireworks too.
K: I don’t think this will win over anyone who doesn’t care for this genre, but for what it was I had a great time and got exactly what I was expecting. I’m giving this 3.5/5 Schmoes, and I’m schmoeing it as an action movie, not a period piece.
M: I’ll go 3.25/5 Schmoes, had a blast with it…thought it got a little too expositiony in some places, but once it shifts into the action gear it’s a fun ride.
K: Ok Schmoeville, how about you? Are you looking forward to this, did you like this first one? Let us know.
M: Who’s your favorite action star? They’re all here, and they’re finally getting the hurtin’ pounds back!
M: What was the last Van Damme movie you saw in the theater?
K: The Quest.
M: Yikes, going out on a low note…mine was TimeCop. How about Arnold? True Lies? Junior?
K: Collateral Damage!
M: Wow, you’re really a fan.
OUTTROThe Expendables 2 Review,