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Mark: Today were using the old camera, it’s Memorial Day and we’re remembering our past as Schmoes.
Kristian: AKA, we’re idiots and we forgot to charge the battery in the new camera. Hit it.
K: Alright, yes…old camera, late review, and what are we talking about? Chernobyl Diaries!
M: Welcome to 2009 everyone. Yes, the Chernobyl Diaries, the new film from the same guy that did the Paranormal Activity movies, Oren Peli, and let me get this out of the way: when I saw the trailer for this, the commercials for it, I’m still not sure how I feel about making a movie about this disaster that actually happened in 1986 and now turning it into a horror movie…let’s wait on this, let some more time go by, right? If this was in America, no way they get away with making this. But you say that, then you get into this movie, once you’re in the theater you say ‘ok, I’m along for this ride, let’s see what happens’.
K: Yep, so let’s talk about this shit piece.
K: This movie is not good, it’s actually fairly bad. But as the movie starts, I was like ‘wow, I’m actually into this movie’. This begins with 2 brothers, one of whom is a 99 cent…eh, maybe a 35 cent version of Leonardo DiCaprio…
M: Wow, 35 cents? It’s Memorial Day everyone, he’s slashing prices!
K: Only in looks, not in ability because he’s not very good…but the other brother kinda looks like our buddy Craig Platt who’s been on the podcast. He’s the schmucky brother who’s been living out in, is it Russia? Somewhere out there. Then you have two girls, and you’re slaughterhouse is set.
M: This group id travelling all over the globe, they hang in Russia and the brother that lives there is like ‘hey, before we go to Moscow, how about we chck out Chernobyl?’ Who wouldn’t want to do that? So they hire this tour guide to take them around this town that was abandoned after the disaster, families that lived there had to disappear overnight…no one lives in the town! Yes, Krisitian?
K: How dare you mention the tour guide without saying that he is possibly the best thing in the movie?
K: He’s the ex-special forces guy that has been taking people on tours of Chernobyl, and then it’s rounded out by this Norwegian couple, I didn’t mind them…but Yuri is the best! Even though he’s taking them on this tour, and showing them mutated fish and stuff…I bought him, he was real to me.
M: I bought him, he was a great anchor in the movie…but the easiest thing for a horror movie to do is set that tone, make you feel creepy, and I was into it, despite being apprehensive walking into the theater, I bought in full bore and really got into this movie for about 45 minutes…but then, as the reveal happens, as you’re fond of saying, the ass just falls out of it. It doesn’t hold up.
K: Well that’s the thing, is that I was in for a while, but once the terror actually starts, you’re just like ‘ehhh…’, and there’s no good reason for why they’re doing these things. And it’s so cliché, it’s like ‘umm, that’s about to happen…ok now that’s gonna happen.’ And so you can never get back into this movie, you’re never scared.
M: I was hoping for a few more surprises, or twists…but it is kinda like The Hills Have Eyes. I didn’t hate watching this movie, I root for this genre so I’ll probably Schmoe it higher than you, but it’s not a great movie.
K: It’s not a great movie, and that’s the problem…you want to be invested in these characters and I didn’t care at all. I don’t blame the acting, I blame the directing…obviously from watchig the trailers you know something happened as a result of the nuclear stuff that went down, and the explanation is just ‘eh…blah…who cares?’
M: It did set a creepy tone though, so I maybe don’t blame the director as much as the story.
K: He did, but he set it up and then there’s no pay off, his fault!
M: Ok…it’s his fault. String him up.
K: Blame hime, go back to Paranormal Activity 75.
K: Alright, let’s Schmoe this disaster of a movie.
M: Ah, I get it…I have to work with this every day.
K: I didn’t totally hate watching this, you’ll never see any of the actors again, though I hope to see Yuri again…but you don’t need to see this, who cares? 2/5 Schmoes and I think that’s being generous.
M: I’m gonna go 2.7/5 Schmoes, I enjoyed watching it, it’s not a good movie so I can’t get it to 3, but I had fun watching it for a while, it set a cool creepy tone.
K: You liked this more than Men in Black 3?
M: Absolutely…MIB3 gets worse the more I think about it.
K: Ugh. This is not a good movie, no way it’s a 2.7. How about you guys? Are you gonna see this pissbox? Do you wanna see it? I’m surprised it got to Number 5 at the box office, were you?
M: Have you ever been atacked by someone that’s been altered nuclearly?
K: Comment and let us know, check out our podcast tomorrow with guest Bai Ling, and tomorrow we’re gonna debut a new segment, TV Tuesday; tomorrow is the JJ Abrams/Jon Favreau show Revolution.
M: The best nuclear fallout story of all-time? The Simpsons! The three-eyed fish, Mr. Burns…that’s the best. Watch that one.
K: Can’t argue with that.
OUTTROThe Chernobyl Diaries Review,