Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
Jenna Jameson was arrested in Los Angeles for driving under the influence. Not only is this Jenna’s first DUI, it’s also the first time someone’s told her to “blow here” and meant an actual breathalyzer.
“JAMESON”
Jenna wrecked her SUV while driving, but luckily her airbags are permanently deployed.
“FULLY LOADED”
The Octomom has completed her very first porno shoot and producers are calling her a natural. Of course she is; she’s had lots of practice.
“FAMILY AFFAIR”
The nice thing about Octomom is that she comes with her own entourage.
Stephen Colbert was named number 69 on Maxim Magazine’s Top 100 Hottest Women in the World. Which is hilarious, unless you’re one of the women who ranked 70-100.
“BOOBY PRIZES”
3.6 million dollars worth of pot was found floating in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of California. Hard to imagine how that happened, until you see this photo of Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson.
“BREAKING BAD”
Fast food chain Arby’s has launched a contest giving away tens of thousands of dollars in cash and prizes. The other way to win money from Arby’s is to find a finger in your roast beef.
“FINGER FOOD”
Geriatric rock band Aerosmith has released a new album. Or as today’s kids call them: The Who?
“BACK IN THE SADDLE”
The album will be titled “Music from another Dimension.” Apparently, that dimension is the clearance bin.
Carly Simon is publishing her autobiography. She’s so vain she probably thinks that book is about her.
“I CARLY”
Bill Clinton and President Obama are traveling in New York this week. Obama is soliciting donations for his reelection campaign, while Clinton is soliciting Times Square prostitutes.
“BAD MEN”
Good news for jobless American children: Apple has announced plans to shift production of the iPhone back to the United States. And you thought your iPhone worked poorly before.
“REBORN IN THE USA”
The displaced Chinese workers will still get to use their favorite App: the Job App-lication.
“MISFORTUNE COOKIE”
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has lost 90 pounds. So now instead of being grossly obese he’s just morbidly obese.
“F-A-T FAT FAT FAT!”
Ryan says he plans to shed another 225 pounds just as soon as he can release Mark Sanchez.
“YOU’RE FIRED!”
Jason Alexander is under fire for calling Cricket a gay sport. Alexander later apologized, adding “not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
“WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH CRICKET?”
Snooki is pregnant with a baby boy. No word on who the lucky douchebag is.
“MOTHER OF DOUCHEBAGS”
Snooki is already considering names for her baby and topping the list is “Whoops.”
A six-G dive; the Stock Market in 1999; and Snooki. Name three things you absolutely must pull out of.
The Beatrice Tuesday News Scoop (6-5-12),
