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Our Review of The Apparition
Kristian: Mark, I did not see this movie but I have a prediction: horse manure on a platter?
Mark: The boy is psychic.
K: Ok Schmoeville, I didn’t get to screen this movie, it doesn’t always work out like this…
M: It totally does always work out like this! You never see the horror movies!
K: I just have good luck. But I did want to see this, was intrigued, but stuff happens and I missed it. So, pal, how was it?
M: Everyone knows I’m the horror movie guy in Schmoeville, I get excited for these, and man this movie is awful.
K: That bad huh? Farts on a platter?
M: It’s simply one of the worst horror movies I’ve ever seen in my life; such a waste of time being in that theater, it’s so wholly awful it’s almost an acheivement how bad it is.
K: Well I’m happy…this is the return of Darth Ellis!
M: The acting, if there actually is any in this, is terrible, no redeeming performance, the best actor in the film is the damn apparition, and that’s because it’s invisible.
K: I heard the lead female makes Taylor Swift look like Meryl Streep.
M: Well then someone get Taylor Swift an Oscar. None of it is believable; this new couple is moving in to her mom’s condo, lo and behold crazy stuff starts happening. There was a series of experiments in her boyfriend’s past that opened this other world to demons and now we have to deal with it. It’s actually sounds kinda cool, and man is it not.
K: Not scary at all, huh?
M: No…the opening scene is kind of a cool Paranormal Activity vibe, but after that it just gets so terrible for the rest of the movie. It starts off bad then manages to get worse.
K: Did you hate watching it?
M: Yeah I hated watching it; sitting in the theater throwing popcorn in my face waiting for this piece of crap to end.
K: Good…GOOD! I can feel your anger!
M: Gimme the red light saber, I’m pissed off.
M: What upsets me the most is that horror movies aren’t like other film genres, like action, comedies or drama. You have to take care of this genre or else it will get a bad name and people like Kristian won’t want to see even the good ones.
K: This proves my point.
M: Man I need a nap.
K: Well, this will cheer you up: it’s only opening in like 700 theaters now. They were sitting around watching the powers that be screen this and everyone said no, this is awful. We may lose money, but we don’t care.
M: It’s a worthless movie, and you know when you just don’t have it going for a run or something? Just trying to squeeza another mile out when you don’t have it? This movie is only 82 minutes and it limps to the finish line.
K: Ok pal, Schmoe up this disaster.
M: .5. Half a Schmoe, nowhere near a total Schmoe…the worst of the year is still Pirhana 3DD, but this will probably be in my top ten worst movies of the year. Don’t waste your time with this, don’t even lump it in with other scary movies because it just drags the whole horror movie genre down.
OUTTROThe Apparition Review,