By Mark Ellis
On a day when it appears that Brett Favre will actually maybe kinda retire for good, a football fan like myself needed some cheering up. And, as it has so many times for men and women all over the galaxy, the adult film universe has stepped up. Today it was formally announced that the greatest space opera the world has ever known will get the XXX treatment. You read that right: “Star Wars” is heading to the bedroom (oh, and it’s in 3-D).
An adult film saga based on George Lucas’ legendary films, “Star Wars XXX in 3-D” is currently in pre-production (one can assume that ‘pre-production’ in the porn universe involves an intimate evening at The Olive Garden and a fluffer). From Axel Braun, the director that brought lonely guys and swingers such hits as “Batman XXX in 3-D”, comes an outer space adventure based on the Star Wars story…except with more boobs.
I should go ahead and admit that I have never been a fan of adult films (I’ll wait a minute to let the cries of ‘bull shit!’ subside), but if there’s one skin flick that could get me on the Spanktravision X-Wing, it’s this one. Hell, this may be the first porno in history that you continue to watch after the first love scene. Usually it takes about 8 minutes to enjoy a hot chick, another hot chick, a shy foreign hot chick, a school teacher and janitor all playing Twister…and then you turn the movie off. Sandwich, Sportscenter, bedtime (so I’ve heard). But this epic space movie? Imagine seeing Star Wars, and then leaving the theater right after C-3PO’s first oil bath (my odds for that being the first sex scene: 15-1). Or seeing Princess Leia do…umm…something to R2-D2 in the opening shot (8-1) and then taking a nap? Nope, you’re gonna be hooked on this story all the way up until the climax (the movie’s, not yours, perv)…now if you’ll permit me, let’s fantasize about the re-telling of some of cinema’s most iconic scenes:
-Mos Eisley cantina: there should be nothing but hardcore, inter-species groping the entire time, and I think we may need to add a member to that famous cantina band: a sweet 1970’s guitar player that can “bah-chika-wah-wah” in the background while we discover whether Greedo actually shot first.
-Ben Kenobi inviting a young Luke Skywalker back to his place and revealing Anakin’s lightsaber…eh…let’s actually skip this one.
-The trash compactor scene: For an industry based entirely on the sexual prowess of plumbers, pool boys and garbagemen, this is the perfect setting. Remember, Leia is the first one down the chute, flyboy…maybe the Empire sends a handyman, to, umm…clean the pipes? (I really didn’t plan on being this dirty…I’ll write a squeaky clean “iCarly” blog tomorrow, promise)
Yet this landmark announcement doesn’t come without questions…namely, who’s ending up with who? At the end of “A New Hope”, we all assumed Luke and Leia were banging like crazy that night, and Han and Chewie were headed to a bar with Wedge Antilles as the designated driver. But facts being what they are, could the first outer space porn saga also have a – gasp! – incestuous brother/sister make-out session? Hey, what’s one drunken family reunion matter if five minutes later there’s a wookie railing a bantha?
While I hope the original storyline stays intact, some of the most famous lines in the series will certainly have a double entendre effect in “XXX in 3-D”:
-“I have a bad feeling about this”: actually, that should have been cleared up at the clinic before you arrived on set, pal.
-“Aren’t you a bit short for a stormtrooper?”: now we’re talking…isn’t that just like a woman to be on the verge of rescue, but demands to know her hero is well-endowed before she escapes with him??
-“I was going to Tashi’s Station to pick up some power converters”: and some candles, Astroglide, AAA batteries…
-“I used to bulls-eye womprats with my T-16 back home.”: You nicknamed yours ‘T-16’? And trust me kid, these Hollywood womprats look a little different than the ones back on the farm.
-“Aaaaggggggghhhh”: Chewie’s O-noise. I can’t wait for this movie.
I can’t believe no one has attempted to pornificate this franchise already…but again, maybe they have; I don’t watch these kind of flicks (seriously ladies! I love romantic comedies! Why won’t anyone believe me?!?). The closest anyone has got in my memory is the scene in “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”; but like that time your parents walked in to your room without knocking, let’s just pretend that never happened. “Star Wars” is actually perfect for the adult film universe; the real movies are so popular and iconic that this won’t tarnish their rep (not any more than Mr. Binks did, anyway), and porno’s love sequels (skin flicks have so many “part 5’s” they make the “Saw” franchise look like a one-off ABC movie of the week).
I don’t how how/if The Schmoes will review this movie; generally we like to see movies together but that may not fly (Harloff’s getting married and our mascot Tazz might get overly excited)…but if there is any artistic value to adult films, “Star Wars XXX in 3-D” should deliver it. No franchise is more ripe for built-in references, jokes, nods…oh, and did I mention there will most likely be boobs? No, loyal Schmoetroopers, I am not a porn fan…but I’m fixing the hyperdrive to get on board with this one. And I’m betting that, like the actual movies, R2-D2’s extension will be integral to saving the day. I have a good feeling about this…
(Thanks to Tim Powers on finding this gem and forwarding it along)