Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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INTRO
Mark: So Kristian couldn’t get to this screening, and we discussed our options: we could wait and see it this weekend, I could do it solo, and Kristian said: “Mark, what do you wanna do?” I wanna rock!
VIDEO CLIPS
M: Welcome to the latest episode of Schmoes Know everyone, Kristian is not here because I forgot to take all the brown M&M’s out of his glass, so I am all on my own…the Broadway play is now a big Hollywood movie with the best music of all-time, Rock of Ages.
M: I was really looking forward to this movie because I love this music, but for a film that relies so much on 80’s rock, it falls into a lot of the same pitfalls that the music of that era did; it starts out fun, catchy, got a great hook…but then it gets full of itself, bloated, difficult to work with, and by the time it realizes it made a mistake and tries to recpature it’s former glory, some of the magic is gone.
VIDEO CLIPS
M: If you’ve ever heard a song from this era, you know the plot by heart: small town girl meets a city boy, they share their nights at the hottest rock club on the strip, the Bourbon Room. It’s like the Whiskey a Go Go in Narnia. They’re played by Julianne Hough and Diego Boneta, they both want to be singers but have hearts of gold, and we root for them. They’re singing, they’re dancing, but even in the scenes when they actually have to act, they’re good together. I wish I could say the same about everyone else in this movie.
M: Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin are the managers of the Bourbon Room, and it’s fun to watch them interact for a little bit, but most of the time it’s stale and the scenes fall flat. That’s my problem with this movie is that it spend way too much time on these boring stories that go anywhere when you have this great music you could be playing. Know what you are: you’re a movie that’s singing a lot of 80’s rock…just do that! You don’t need all that other stuff!
M: You had a nice story, you hooked us with these two kids who want to make it, then you have this overbearing rock star who’s coming back, will they get along, what’s gonna happen with this confluence of events, and that’s all we need! But this movie tries to cram anything you’ve ever seen in a Behind the Music into this…no, you don’t! Nothing bad is gonna happen to you! Ronnie James Dio isn’t gonna ride on a demon horse out of the gates of Hell because you forgot to put in the obligatory stripper subplot for 15 minutes. It’s gonna be ok.
M: I know it wasn’t the coolest instrument in the 80’s…or ever…but if you accordion this movie down, cut out this part, shrink it down, you have a real fun movie. But they didn’t do that. So now it’s like a really fun rock concert with a 30 minute drum solo in the middle.
M: What happened with this movie is what happened to a lot of the bands from this era; this is what happened to Poison, Warrant…they got too big, let’s see how much hairspray we can use, and eventually the hair sinks back down, it gets less fun, and then Nirvana shows up.
M: When this movie does decide to let the music do the talking, it’s a blast. Tom Cruise as Stacee Jaxx is great when he’s on stage…he actually took lessons and sang all these songs, and it sounds good. For Tom Cruise. Which I guess is a good thing. Stacee Jaxx is coming back to the Bourbon Room to play his final show with his band…he’s a crazy lead singer and they all want to go solo eventually. He has the slimy manager, the Doc McGee type who is played by Paul Giamatti, and he’s enjoyable to watch. Has some funny one-liners, interacts with Alec Baldwin…but I don’t care who you are, if the scene is boring and falls flat, these guys aren’t gonna save it.
M: The singing and dancing is what buys the ticket to this movie, and it’s impressive. Even the people who I didn’t know could do this stuff, like Malin Ackerman and Tom Cruise, are good; she’s a Rolling Stone reporter, he’s…Tom Cruise, and it’s fun to watch them. Catherine Zeta-Jones…wow. She plays a Tipper Gore type who is against rock, it’s the music of the devil and all that stuff. She can still dance and be sexy…my good word she is hot sticky sweet. That Michael Douglas is a lucky man. When he remembers to take that blue pill, lucky man.
M: The musical numbers are great…it’s mostly covers, not the original artists, but I got into it. The singing, the dancing, it’s the power of rock and roll, some mash-ups that were nice to see. It’s good to refresh that music. I just wish that they let that be the star the whole time instead of let the movie get bogged down with these boring stories. When not even Whitesnake can bring a scene out of it’s funk? That’s a problem.
VIDEO CLIPS
M: Everyone in Schmoeville knows I’m a huge fan of this music, I own all the albums, I’m going to the concert, but I didn’t buy the t-shirt: 2.5/5 Schmoes for Rock of Ages. It’s the easiest fix of all-time to get this to like 3.75; just take a meat cleaver and chop here and here, get that out of here, and boom. Have fun. It’s so easy!
M: And now it’s your turn at the mic Schmoeville; do you guys wanna see this movie? Did anyone see the broadway play; I’d be curious to know how it was…are you fans of 80’s rock? What’s your favorite 80’s rock song, I’d be really interested in that…comment below and subscribe and most importantly, what’s your favorite song to sing at karaoke? I don’t sing karaoke, so much as embarrass the hell out of myself. I don’t even sing when I’m in the the car. I handle background vocals and bass, that’s it.
VIDEO CLIPS
M: You have dreams rising, another star who’s already realized his dreams going off the rails, and it’s fun to watch this crazy train…I just did that. I just quoted Crazy Train, and didn’t mean to. This is my life, guys. It’s not a blessing, it’s a curse.
Rock of Ages Review,
