Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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Our Review of Premium Rush
INTRO
Kristian: Alright Mark, Premium Rush.
Mark: Is it a drug movie? Pills? Booze?
K: Nope…bike movie.
M: Yay?
VIDEO CLIPS
K: Hello Schmoeville! So we are reviewing the new Joseph Gordon Levitt movie Premium Rush.
M: Bling Bling!
K: Bicycle! Bicycle!
M: He wants to ride his bicycle, he wants to ride his bike…that is the character in Premium Rush; he’s one of these New York City mesengers that delivers stuff by bike, because in New York you can get around traffic most effieciently on 2 wheels.
K: That, and it’s the rush, he doesn’t want to be tied down in an office job…he has to deliver a package, but there’s something shady about one particular assignment; suddenly a madman is chasing him.
VIDEO CLIPS
M: Madcap mayhem ensues, and with Joseph Gordon Levitt, he’s coming off a great role in The Dark Knight Rises, and you wonder what he’s gonna do next: a bike movie? Ok. He’s a great actor, unfortunately the rest of this movie? Eh.
K: Wha wa waaaa.
K: This movie was a big disappointment to me.
M: Were you really that let down? You thought this is the one that could be great?
K: Yep, because I was a big fan of the 1985 film Quicksilver. What the hell is that? It stars a young Kevin Bacon; he’s a stockbroker, loses all this money and decides he’d rather have the adrenaline of being a bike messanger. That one had so much more depth to it, and when the better of the two movies is the 1985 one starring Jami Gertz, that ain’t good.
M: Jami Gertz was so hot, I’m definitely Netflixing that one now. Yeah, the story in this one just gets silly, and with the exception of the two lead performances which were solid, there’s just not a lot here.
K: Yep, let us reintroduce someone who has not been on the show in a while, the Cartoon Cat!
Cartoon Cat: Hey everyone! Im back and this week I wrote a doozy!
K: Yep, the script is terrible and Michael Shannon as the bad guy is forced to sound like a 1930’s gangster: “hey what’s the big idea!” and he’s so over the top and it sucks you out of it.
M: Imagine if anyone else had to play that, it’d be a disaster. But Shannon is still so talented that whenever he can find a plce to be a real guy with a gambling problem in this, he’s great. He could have a shelf full of Oscars before it’s all said and done.
K: Sure, and I’m glad he’s playing Zod in the new Superman, but there’s nowhere to go in this piece.
M: Wonder if he can pull off a beard…
K: All the other performances aren’t good; the girl from the Soprano’s isn’t much and the female from Sucker Punch is just awful, she’s doing this stupid accent the whole time…no one in this with the exception of Joseph Gordon Levitt is real at all. Fun gimmicks but even that gets repetitive.
M: This will take you over when you’re watching it, there’s some cool tricks that suck you in, but after you start thinking about it, you realize that it’s nowhere near as goo as you thought it was watching it.
K: You won’t hate yourself for watching it, but it gets bad…and you’re right, the more you think about the more you realize how stupid it is.
M: Ok, it’s over.
K: Don’t touch me.
VIDEO CLIPS
K: Schmoe this crapfest!
M: I’m going 2.25/5 because while the story was dumb I did enjoy the two lead performances and the shots of the biking action played really well, but still just not a good flick.
K: I’m giving this 1.5/5 Schmoes because this movie stunks!
M: Stunks? So bad you’re placing an “s” at the end of stunk?
K: Absolutely…it gets worse and worse the more I think about it.
K: How about you Schmoeville, do you wanna see this, are you excited? Let us know!
M: Thank you for your time.
VIDEO CLIPS
K: Check out our latest podcast on Toad Hop, it was a big one with Jeremy Jahns, Katee Sackoff and Sean Astin.
M: I got to grill him about Rudy, and we had a blast.
K: Listen to that one and we’ll see you on a bicycle near you.
M: I haven’t been on a bike in years.
OUTTRO
Premium Rush Review,
