Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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WATCH THE KATY PERRY REVIEW
INTRO
Kristian: Here is what a bunch of Katy Perry fans look like seeing this movie (screaming girls)
Mark: And here is what a couple Schmoes look like after seeing this movie (confused Schmoes)
K: There you have it!
VIDEO CLIPS
K: Hey Schmoeville…welcome back to Schmoeville! We are the Schmoes…in Schmoeville! Whoa whoa whoa! That’s the entire review!
M: Somebody is juiced up because he just saw the Katy Perry movie everyone…I’m not gonna speak for you, but this guy kinda had a good time.
K: Here’s the thing: this is OUR point of view. Never once will you see this: (both Schmoes) “OMG! I loved it, I love her, she’s a god in my country!!!!” You won’t see that happen at all.
M: Umm…we just did do that. It’s on tape, we filmed it.
K: Nah, that was an alternate universe…never happened. On to the movie! We are not Katy Perry fans per se; we knew she was famous, has big boobs, dated Russell Brand, but we didn’t know her. Thus, we had no idea what to expect going into this.
M: Even for non-Katy fans, there’s two very big reasons to go see this movie…she’s actually really talented, and I enjoyed the movie.
K: Ah, you clever minx.
K: If you are a Katy Perry fan, you love her and everything about her, you’re gonna love this movie.
M: This will make you love her more…you watch it from the filter of, if this was MY favorite band, MY favorite artist, you’d feel great about it and be enthralled for the entire 90 minutes it’s on. I don’t know if you guys can tell, I’m more of a classic rock kinda dude, but I’m always fascinated by documentaries like this; it’s half behind the scenes of a tour and half concert footage…so this is her “Rattle and Hum”, and for what it was I really enjoyed it.
K: She’s incredibly popular, she did something no music star has ever done: Elvis didn’t do it, Madonna and Michael Jackson couldn’t do it, she sold 5 number 1 songs off her album…
M: All while wearing a blue wig.
K: Nah, she actually switches the ‘do up from time to time…and that’s the thing about Katy: she’s a performer, she has charisma, and we learn a lot about her: you won’t be able to leave the theater without getting one of her songs in your head; they’re that catchy.
M: The other thing you learn is that she had an interesting childhood…both her parents are preachers, traveling ministers. “Do ya feel the power of the Lord upon you”?? 700 Club on steroids kinda stuff.
K: Traveling ministers where it’s like: “uh-oh, is that a banjo? Whoo-hooo!”
M: And you made the point, that the farther you’re parents go to one side, the more you may rebel to the other?
K: If you wanna chain your daughter up, and say “you can’t watch this, you can’t watch that”…she wasn’t allowed to watch The Smurfs growing up, and look at her now: she has blue hair. She’s showing off her boobs, she marries a guy that’s probably banging a smurf as we speak…
M: And by the way, those boobs you speak of? They occasionally shoot whipped cream.
K: The other thing is that they really focus on the love story between her and Russell Brand…they show you the ups and the downs with that relationship.
M: We saw this in a room full of teenage girls, and the first time he comes on screen, there was an audible hiss inside the theater; it was like Voldemort just appeared. To his credit, he buts out of the movie and doesn’t get involved…not because he’s a douche, but to let her have her time in the spotlight and not get in the way, and I thought that was cool of him.
K: Ehh…I think he just didn’t want to be involved and was a little douchey and apparently that’s one of the reasons why they broke up.
K: I just didn’t care…didn’t care about that storyline at all.
M: I cared a little…I was pulling for her.
K: Boo-hoo, you’re a huge star, you got dumped, you’re 24 years old and insanely popular, I’m pretty sure you can find someone else.
M: What I bought about the movie the least is that “Oh, she’s having trouble, she’s too depressed to perform.” She gets a bad text, and now this huge concert is in jeopardy…really? Can’t go on in front of 100,000 people because of a bad tweet? She somehow does in the end…miraculously.
K: I guarantee there’s not one person in Schmoeville that is like “hmm, Dark Knight Rises or Katy Perry?” We’re not gonna convince one person that already doesn’t want to see it to go see this.
M: But if you’re into music and seeing how a tour works, this is a cool behind-the-scenes look at that stuff and not every superstar will give you that kind of access.
K: But to pay money to see? You think our fan The Honorable Asshole is gonna plunk down cash to see this?
M: I don’t know what his bank account is like…is it any easier to say “one for Magic Mike” than it is for this? Maybe you just see Spiderman again.
K: Look, I don’t know how to Schmoe this thing…don’t wanna Schmoe it too low, can’t go too high because either way it will get compared to how I rated other movies.
M: You need to take Katy Perry’s advice and just be yourself.
K: I am, and that’s why I’m introducing something new to the show: I am Schmoeing this thing…UP.
M: What the hell is that? Talk sense man!
K: It means if you like Katy Perry already, you’ll enjoy it…so I’m Schmoeing it up. It’s a new thing, Schmoeing it up.
M: Ok, I’ll intro a new segment too (flips K off). You deserve that, and this movie deserves a 3/5 Schmoes because we employ numbers to grade movies on this show…it was an enjoyable watch, impressive scope, and it hooked me more than I thought it would. And then two other very big reasons on top of that.
K: How about you, Schmoeville…are you up, down, in out? However that song goes?
M: Fight, we break up; kiss, we make out!
K: Ugh.
VIDEO CLIPS
K: Like if this was The Doors concert in 3D, it’d be great.
M: Be careful what’s coming out of Jim Morrison’s zipper in 3D…
K: Well, chances are I wouldn’t remember half of it anyway. But this girls is breaking records…
M: In and you’re out, up and you’re down…black it’s white, day or it’s night…where you going??
K exits.
OUTTRO
