Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mark Reilly
Fond greetings, everyone…
I’d like to introduce myself. I am Mark Reilly. I am a total geek. A movie connoisseur. I have some left over GI Joe figures from my childhood and hundreds of DVD’s threatening collapse to my economical yet poorly made BESTÅ Collection Bookshelf from Ikea. I also have movie posters hanging on the wall as art and I sometimes quote movie lines instead of actually following along in conversations. If you bore me, I’m throwing out some FLETCH whether you like it or not.
I’m living the dream in Hollywood. Land of the movie-star and the out of work screenwriter all sharing a cup of Starbucks at Beverly and Robertson. It’s sweet.
I search for the like minded. Someone that eats, drinks and breathes movie quotes, knows what the Truffle Shuffle is…
Hey, mister? Are you hungry? I got a Baby Ruth.
…and had a crush on Princess Leia (or Luke Skywalker), is the type of person I want to hang with.
As an outsider, one that only sees reality through celluloid, I have a very strong opinion about movies. So when I was asked by the Schmoes to provide an article a week on what’s happening in the Fantasy/Sci-Fi/Horror genre, my bread and butter, I saw my chance to continue waxing movie philosophical rather than doing what I am suppose to be doing that week – calling my dentist and making an appointment for a new filling.
I jumped at the chance, you could say. Especially since it’s for the Schmoes who think like I do.
So enough about me…let’s get to it. Here now, for your reading pleasure, is my first article – movie news and my thoughts from the fantasy, sci-fi, and horror community. We’ll call it: Round Table with Reilly… Outsiders welcome.
Topic one: I just read all about a frakkin ALIEN reboot going on over at FOX. I almost grew another mouth just to fucking puke.
I have a bad feeling about this…
Then I read that they’re not calling it a reboot. Okay, what are you calling it FOX? Cue the narrator with the deep voice… Ridley Scott’s Second Alien Movie.
WHAT? Ridley Scott is back? Okay, I’m totally in. Totally. Who wouldn’t be!? It’s Ridley F’ing Scott, directing ALI-f’ing-EN? You mean you’re not going after Paul W.S. Anderson or Brett Ratner or some lame, European director that made a feature no one saw, that played at a festival no one went to, that featured found footage of rhyming Leprechauns from a faux documentary passed off as a feature? Okay… Keep talking, FOX…
Ridley Scott is getting back to the genre that made him an English Pimp. That’s like Beethoven revisiting his 5th symphony with better CGI. It’s sweet. Sweet enough to forgive that it’s the same dude that made that Russell Crow movie A GOOD YEAR. Oh, you didn’t see that? No one did. No. One.
But then I read something and my Superman panties got all twisty:
A PG-13… 3D… ALIEN reboot–er, Ridley Scott’s Second Alien Movie.
PG-13? You got to be shitting me!? And worse… Yup, add some 3D into the mix and you got yourself a chest-bursting piece of repeating shit waiting to happen.
BAD IDEA.
Who hasn’t sat in line for three hours for the sequel/reboot/prequel of their favorite franchise?
“Whoops.”
Okay, who hasn’t sat in line for at least twenty minutes for their favorite franchise? We all have.
But for God’s sake, why is it all the rage to revisit brands rather than giving us something new? Do we really need another ROCKY, RAMBO, STAR WARS, GHOSTBUSTERS (3), INDIANA JONES, SCREAM (4), SUPERMAN, STAR TREK, PREDATOR(S) or horror reboot of FRIDAY THE 13th, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, HALLOWEEN, TEXAS CHANISAW MASSACRE? No wonder we have an ALIEN on the way. And I will punch a studio execs mother in the kidneys if I hear news about a JAWS, GREMLINS, GOONIES, E.T., BACK TO THE FUTURE or MAC AND ME remake/reboot/re-imagining!
Now for some specifics. Putting a PG-13, 3D version of ALIEN into theatres is the worst idea yet. It takes away the bite (pardon the pun) of the series. Since FOX already fucked up with that Av.P bullshit, they now have to go muck up another stalwart franchise. Anytime they reboot a favorite R rated movie, they do so gloriously by deeming it in need of a PG-13 rating.
Why Salvation?
A PG-13, 3D ALIEN movie is an obvious cash grab and it makes my asshole itch. ALIEN is one of my favorite movies of all time. So for you, FOX, to revisit material that started out dark and raw, graphic and extremely terrifying then try to lighten it with a more audience friendly rating… you are ignoring the very principle that gave you a franchise in the first place! Look at its basic premise, dickheads… A fucking parasite EXPLODES from a human chest! You CANNOT rate that PG-13!!!
ALIEN was pitched as JAWS in SPACE way back in 1976. Made in 1979 and critically acclaimed, they made a boatload of money, spawning a huge franchise of instantly recognizable monsters for a new generation. And it was rated R. It made all that money in spite of the R rating.
So, what, FOX? Are you worried about the parents of today’s 13 and under generation? Because these parents are too busy updating their facebook status while their kids are downloading porn before jumping online to shoot another friend in the face in Call of Duty. Right, okay… so we better make a fictitious monster not so scary because it might warp their mind. Parents today will take their kids to see an R rated movie… if it’s good. Get over it.
ALIEN is really a horror movie disguised as a sci-fi film. And like any good horror movie, a hard R rating is needed to go balls to the wall. To scare you. STAR WARS changed the landscape of cinema, especially Sci-Fi, and to capitalize on this resurgence, FOX green-lit ALIEN thereby creating a sub-genre. And a damn fine one.
Sci-fi had a new look. It didn’t show people in shiny-penis ships anymore, it was portrayed as realistic. Dirty. Weathered and falling apart. Space was no place you would want to vacation. Ridley used the realism of space to touch on our fear of the unknown. What could be lurking in the farthest reaches of the universe? Ridley Scott knew. And it was worse than you could ever imagine. Just like JAWS which exploited our fear of what’s in the water, Ridley Scott’s ALIEN was equally as terrifying. I would even argue it was more shocking, more primal than JAWS. I mean, you had a friggen alien baking in an oven of your own DNA, exploding from your chest, killing you instantly! It was the perfect monster because it came from you.
Ridley Scott’s ALIEN was amazing. He described it as Texas Chainsaw Massacre in space. And that makes sense. You believed the ship existed. You knew the characters – truckers in space. You cared about them and felt like you were actually one of the passengers. The ship had a lot of hiding places for the monster (killer). It was the perfect set-up – an idea so ahead of its time. A horror movie… in space.
And when that chest-bursting sonofabitch’ comes out of John Hurt, sham-wow! It’s on.
“Hello ma baby!”
ALIEN connected with audiences. What you didn’t see was far scarier then what you did see. A glimpse of a tail, of teeth, some slime dripping off the ceiling and a strange, alien HISS coming from parts unknown gave everyone the best jump scares ever, something that hasn’t been achieved since. Because everyone knew that fucker grew inside a man and was now running around on a ship, off’ing each person in the process – not to mention, homeboy grew ten times in size in ten minutes, had a fucking knife for a tail, bled acid, and had two – count em’ – two fucking mouths, yeah. That’s a monster movie of epic proportions.
Folks, what’s 3D? 3D, best as I can describe it, is an image that shows the perception of depth. Today’s 3D is always trying to show you everything. Filmmakers get off on all the latest 3D advances they sometimes forget to write a story.
“Hi there!”
Think of ALIEN. When that thing is crawling around in the dark, hissing, the audience is only getting glimpses of the thing. There’s no room for depth perception or pushing the limits of technology! Rent a simple light package, put a man in a suit and tell him to go hide in the corner. Rely on your story, asshole – not on technology.
3D is just a trend. It helps ticket sales go up while also allowing the filmmakers to jerk-off in a cup and charge 17.50
“Hi there!”
This goes against EVERYTHING an ALIEN movie should be.
FOX… if you follow through on this stupid, 3D, PG-13, spectacle of retardation, believe me… You won’t get repeat business. You’ll make some money on the first weekend, horrible word of mouth will follow and you will barely scrape by. There will be no sequel and no new franchise. Follow the original template. Make the movie the premise demands.
And are the rumors true? I’ve heard Ridley is pretty pissed at having to shoot a PG-13 ALIEN. Really? You mean the man that gave you one of the richest franchises in sci-fi history is actually trying to do it again? What a dick.
Well, fuck you with a cactus, FOX. And shame on you; too many business assholes calling themselves artists, nowadays.
Not that I have complete faith in Mr. Scott…
Robin Hood is NOT Australian!
But I’m willing to trust.
With INCEPTION and DISTRICT 9 and even THE HANGOVER, these original ideas prove there is a hungry audience looking for originality. You can also apply that to well known franchises…
“Brilliance.”
And what triggers me with all this is we have been burned before. We hear about news like this then line up in droves to see the movie.
“Shia Le-Boof as Mutt! (That’s right, I didn’t bother to spell check.)
We know better but we go see it right away and pay these exorbitant prices just because we see a familiar brand. ‘Said crap’ then finds a place on the all time list of moneymakers and more reboots and sequels pop up without giving it some thought. Seriously, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Swinging Le-Boof Monkey is the 27th all time grossing movie. Over… The Empire Strikes Back! Sigh….
Cause I’ll be lining up with everyone else in the world for: Ridley Scott’s Second Alien Movie. I will buy the popcorn. I will buy the Sour Patch Kids. I will watch the first trailer over and over again. And then, I will hang my head in shame when it sucks.
Please, Fox! Please let the audiences use their imagination! We aren’t allowed to do it anymore! Please don’t treat us to a watered down version of a brilliant concept and movie icon. Please don’t send us a BUNCH of aliens in CG, coming right at you –cue the narrator– in eye-popping 3D! Please don’t create a simple story just to satiate the cracked out ADD’ed 13-year-olds and under. Please don’t make it… safe. The original ALIEN was not safe. It took a risk. It established a genre. It was and still is… one of the best movies ever.
And lastly, please don’t try and trick us by hiring the original director and then cut off his balls.
Stand united, geeks. Don’t take this shit. Demand an R rated ALIEN reboot, prequel or whatever fancy title they want to call it. Take those 3-D glasses and wear them instead to the next Katherine Heigel movie.
Demand the best from your franchise. That is all.
See you in line….
Reilly
