Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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OUR HOPE SPRINGS REVIEW
INTRO
Kristian: Because I’m not the biggest horror fan, I’ve decided to opt out of Hope Springs.
Mark: Umm…Kristian, it’s about an older couple that is trying to rekindle their love for each other.
K: Exactly.
VIDEO CLIPS
K: Hope Springs, the truth is I was not able to attend this screening although I wanted to; it stars 2 of the greatest actors of their generation and is the story of them trying to fall back in love with one another.
M: Yeah, I’m sure you were heartbroken you missed it…I saw this all on my lonesome. So Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep have been married for 31 years, and they’ve just lost that spark. Can they rekindle it?
K: So what happens, they start whipping each other?
M: They don’t do anything…Meryl Streep feels like something is missing; Tommy Lee Jones is content with his routine: wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home and pass out watching the golf channel. They sleep in separate bedrooms like your grandparents sometimes do, and that’s life. But Meryl really wants to get her bones jumped, so she takes action.
K: Wait…does this become a cheating story?
M: No, but I’ll tell you this: it seems like a good movie to take your mom to, but it ends up being the most well-acted soft-core porn I’ve ever seen.
K: Wait…wait…
M: You heard me right, sir.
K: Soft-core porn?
M: There is sex all over this flick: masturbation, sexual acts performed, there’s blow jobs in movie theaters, kids!
K: Someone was getting a bj at the screenign you were at?
M: No! Meryl Streep does the blowing on-screen!
K: Wow.
M: I myself have never been that lucky.
K: Yikes. Enough of this.
VIDEO CLIPS
M: This couple goes to Maine for relationship counseling, and Steve Carell plays a therapist to the stars…he’s good in this because he’s not silly, goofy The Office Steve Carell; he’s almost off-puttingly normal in this.
K: Like in Little Miss Sunshine?
M: Even more so than that, he had a bit of an edge there; here he’s totally straight-laced. He’s fine, but there’s just so much sexuality in this movie. Groping, dry-humping, making love by the fireplace.
K: At least tell me it’s Josh Brolin playing a young Tommy Lee Jones with like Diane Lane or something.
M: The performances are so good though; the only problem I had is that it’s couples therapy, so it’s Meryl Streep on this side of the couch; Tommy Lee Jones on the other side, and on a huge movie screen you don’t know which one to watch. Each one is doing so many subtle interesting things with their performance, you keep zooming back and forth; like watching a basketball game and trying to focus on the point guard match-ups and the centers….but the story just wasn’t something I bought all the way through; I was never convinced that Tommy Lee Jones’ character could complete this journey.
K: So it ends up being a fluff piece that two great actors took so they could have some laughs?
M: That’s one layer of it yes, but maybe the two just wanted to grind on each other for three months…it’s that sexual dude. I shit you not.
K: Wow Ellis, getting creepy over there.
M: Hey, I didn’t make the film! I just sat in a theater, watched it, and thanked goodness none of my relatives were in there with me.
K: Why’d that Schmoe have his pants off?? Speaking of, do you think that this movie will be enjoyable to anyone in Schmoeville?
M: Sure, there’s some laughs to be had; it’s enjoyable to watch these two actors play around with their dialgoue and have Steve Carell break down their relationship…but just be prepared that there’s a whole lot of that other stuff going down. (Sex!)
K: Ok, the moment of truth…now be careful here…
M: I know what you’re hinting at! This score won’t be as high as The Dark knight Rises or Total Recall; Hope Springs is getting 2.9/5 Schmoes from me because the performances are so damn good but I just didn’t buy the story that much. I did have a fair amount of chuckles though, so job well done you creepy old bastards.
K: Ok Schmoeville, do you wanna see this? Any desire to see Tommy Lee Jones hump Meryl Streep on an old couch?
M: The couch is new.
K: Whatever…comment and let us know.
M: And be sure to check out our podcast on the Toad Hop Network. Man that was an odd theater experience.
K: Watching old people go at it for 2 hours?
M: Stop it! They’re middle-aged.
VIDEO CLIPS
M: Lots and lots of dry humping; like my senior year in high school.
K: Ok, ok…we get it. You’re like George RR Martin at the ComicCon panel.
(both laughing uproariously)
OUTTRO
Hope Springs Review,
