Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Captain Dan
So as I’m writing this, my beloved San Francisco Giants are in the World Series. For those of you who don’t know, the Giants have never won a World Series as the San Francisco Giants. The last one they won was in 1954 as the New York Giants, when Willie Mays was just a pup. That is the third longest drought in baseball behind only the Cubs(1906) and Indians(1948). With respect to our opponents, Texas has never been to a World Series, so this is special for them as well. This is a good story no matter how it turns out. That’s entertainment at it’s finest.
“ “I’m like Samson baby, my strength is in this shaggy mop I call a head.”
“I beat alcoholism, I win.”
Can I relate these current Giants to anything Hollywood has ever done? You bet I can! One of the greatest sports movies of all time and my personal favorite about America’s past time, Major League. Hearing Bob Eueker
“Remember when we were all, stars. I blame you Sheen!”
Major League is about a bunch of misfits who were expected to finish dead last in the league so their evil owner can move them to another city. To accomplish this, evil owner assembles a bunch of broken down has-beens, a few never wases, and of course a hodge podge of never will bes. That’s kinda the Giants in a nutshell, or so we thought. Other than a dominant pitching staff and Buster Posey, the Giants lineup is a bunch of ”Who are these fricken guys”(direct quote from movie, edited TV version, nooch) added to a few, Where they heck did
they find this guy(direct quote from yours truly.)type guys.
Let’s do the lineup shall we?
Jake Talyor played by Tom “Sniper” Berenger(holy crap, I spelled it right without looking up first! First time ever!) – A broken down former All Star catcher. Living in Mexico in cheap motel most people would just check into if they were about to die. Turns into the clubhouse leader. Hooks up with super hot Renee Russo. Still hot 25 years later.
“You should see me with scope and rifle or a piece of chalk.”
Giant equivalent = Aubrey Huff, Freddie Sanchez, Edgar Renteria, Pat Burrell. All thought to be past their prime. All former All Stars. Nobody wanted them. Hell, Burrell was sitting on his couch when he got the call in May.
How’d they do? Well in the movie Jake Taylor became the Veteran Leader, got into opposing batters heads with lines like “By the way, saw your wife last night, hell of a dancer, you must be very, very proud. I mean that guy she was with, I’m sure he’s a close personal friend and all. But tell me, what was he doing wearing her panties on his head” He also bunted home the run that sent the Indians to the playoffs for the first time in a long time.
As for his Giants counter-parts – Huff lead the team in HRs and RBIs. Sanchez had 4 doubles and 3 RBIs in Game 1 of the World Series. Burrell got hot during our stretch run and Renteria just had a Home Run, that prove to be the winning run in Game 2.
Pedro Cerrano played by Dennis “The Unit All State Guy” Haysbert. Big South American who believes in voodoo. Can hit a fastball into the next century. Can’t hit a curveball to save his babymaker. Goes on a slump when pitchers realize that he can’t hit a curveball.
Giant equivalent – Pablo Sandoval aka The Kung Fu Panda. Nicknamed that by teammates because of his endless energy and childlike exuberance. Even though he had a pretty disappointing season after hitting .330 last year, fans in SF still love them some Panda.
“O.K. O.K., He’s not really a Panda, but wouldn’t that be cool?!”
Here’s the real Pablo
What did they do? Pedro hit the game tying home run of a, yep you guessed it, a curveball. “I’m pissed off now, Jobu. Look, I go to you. I stick up for you. You don’t help me now. I say F you, Jobu, I do it myself.”
What did Pablo do? He single-handedly saved the silly Panda hat industry. By the way Pablo, love you bro but, seriously. Lose some weight. A 3B shouldn’t weigh more than his best batting average (.330) unless he is Shaq. Could happen…
“Dude, this thing only cost me 25 bucks!”
Willie Mays Hayes – played by Wesley “Blade” Snipes. A rookie who can run faster than any two players on the team combined. His mouth is even faster. But can’t hit the ball farther than straight up in the air 100 feet, right in front of the catcher.
(Sorry, Any excuse to show Wesley as Blade.)
Giants Equivalent – Andres Torres. 32 year old rookie who could never crack the bigs. Speed is his greatest weapon.
What’d they do? Willie uses that blazing speed to score the winning run on Jake Taylor’s previously mentioned suicide squeeze bunt. “Willie Mayes Hayes. Play like Mays, but I run like Hayes.”(I still don’t know who Hayes is. Can anyone help me out?)
Torres – Like I said, 32-year-old rookie, never made it to the bigs. Now, Starting centerfielder in the World Series.
And finally we come to Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn played by that eternal moral compass, Charlie Sheen. Wild Thing is the closer. He can throw the ball 100+ mph every pitch. But he is a bad boy.(There’s a stretch for you Charlie) Spent his minor league days in California Penal League. “I didn’t knew who she was, I swear to God.” Vaughn after sleeping with teammate’s wife.
“She’s not a hooker. She’s a porn star. Yeah, that sounds better.”
Giants equivalent – Brian Wilson Giants All Star Closer, an extremely intelligent yet odd dude. He can also throw the ball 100 mph. And then there is Tim “The Freak” Lincecum. He smoked weed and got caught. Ok not that bad, Ricky Vaughn stole a car, but unfortunately the Giants don’t have any criminals CURRENTLY on the roster.
“FEAR THE BEARD!”
What’d they do? Wild Thing(I still get pumped when he enters the game to that song.) Struck out the hitter that hit two homers off him, the only 2 times he faced him, thus setting the stage for the comeback that ends the flick.
The Freak and The Beard went out and dominated hitters in the 2010 postseason. Hopefully setting the stage for the first World Series Title in this great city of San Francisco’s history.
And with that, I leave you to go celebrate my boys going up 2-0, by watching Major League.
GO GIANTS!
Capt. Dan out.
Fan Boy Friday with Captain Dan (10-29-10),
Go giants!
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