Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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The Schmoes head out to sea for some intergalactic board game adventure with “Battleship”…could this be a fun effects-laden extravaganza? Or just an excuse to make toys?? Enjoy!
Battleship” transcript
-Schmoes Know
INTRO
Mark: “B-7.”
Kristian: “No.”
M: “Dude…B-7”
K: “You wanna do that for this thing?”
M: “What other review can we do it for? B-7.”
K: “Miss.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “We are reviewing the new movie ‘Battleship’…which everyone sees it coming out and is like ‘ugh…Transformers…crap.”
M: “Yeah…but it’s not Transformers, it’s ‘Battleship’. There’s boats out on the water, there’s aliens coming down, who knows what they want, there’s tons of special effects…and Liam Neeson.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “It is unfair to say that this movie is like Transformers, from the trailer it absolutely looks like it…it is nothing like Transformers…like when they’re water with the ships for a second and you see all the aliens, it’s nothing like Transformers and to be fair I want to say that…that being said, this movie’s not horrendous, and judging from the trailers you’ve seen, that’s a win?”
M: “That would be a check in the W column, because it’s not horrendous…but it’s not ‘Independence Day’ either, and that was the ceiling for this movie. I really liked ID4 because it was fun, had good special effects, the story get moving, it never got plodding, it was crazy, dare I say even cockamamy, but it was fun…this movie occasionally flirted with that success but it never really got that high.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “Using the Tranformers comparison again, the difference between this movie and that…well, besides them being completely different..is that this is directed by Peter Berg…”
M: “Yes, very capable hands.”
K: “You would hope so, and with the explosions and stuff like that, it was very similar to Michael Bay, with the explosions but nothing really there, no emotion tied to it, that was very much like Michael Bay…one of the things with this movie is, well, how does Hasbro make a board game into a movie, and they do for like 2 seconds…it’s, you know, they say it’s based on the board game, and there’s one particular scene where they have the ships…”
M: “You see a grid.”
K: “Yeah, and it worked for the scene.”
K: I’ll tell ya the problem with this movie…some of the acting? Ugh…”
M: “Got a reaction out of you, huh? Well let’s talk about the two really fine actors in the movie, Liam Neeson and Alexander Saarsgard and they aren’t really in it that much.”
K: “Exactly, the two really great actors are barely in the damn thing. Alex Saarsgard, from ‘True Blood’, he’s also in ‘Straw Dogs’, he was fantastic in this movie…for when he was in it he was fantastic in the movie, I really liked what he brought to the role, he was the one who I was like ‘there’s a character there, alright’…and then where did he go?”
M: “Well we’re gonna start to have some bones then because I thought Taylor Kitsch as the brother who’s the hero, the screw up in the Navy and now he’s gotta play above his head…I really like Taylor Kitsch, I think he’s a star…I liked him in ‘John Carter’, I liked him in this…I think he’s good.”
K: “This just proves that you’re too nice of a person, because this kid…I don’t know who he is in real life, maybe he’s a nice person…”
M: “I don’t care if he’s a nice person, I liked him in the movie.”
K: “He’s like Sam Worthington to me…just another kid that they want you to think is a star…and what’s with this Batman voice he’s doing? ‘I’m the guy, I’m gritty…”
M: “Get used to this guys, gonna be going on all summer long.”
K: “I’m just saying, I’m not gonna be doing it all summer long.”
M: “It’s your new Arnold.”
K: “He tries to hard, he hits you over the head with this ‘I’m the bad seed, I’m the guy who’s gonna save the day.” I mean, Ben Affleck, who doesn’t have the finest chops in these movies, school’s this kid in his role from ‘Armageddon’.”
M: “I thought you were gonna go ‘Reindeer Games’.”
K: “Fine, ‘Reindeer Games’.”
K: “There’s a lot of stars in this movie, you have Brooklyn Decker, who, I don’t care what she’s saying, not gonna judge her acting because I’ll watch her open a soda can…”
M: “…pantsless.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “Regardless of Taylor Kitsch, he’s not the worst thing in this movie…”
M: “I think we’re talking about Rihanna…she’s in this, the pop star; she’s kinda got a filthy streak about her in the pop world, not really my kinda music. I’m more of a Bachman-Turner Overdrive kinda guy.”
K: “I did a short movie when I was 12 years old called ‘Lothar’…I picked people from God knows where to act in this thing…they all destroy her. She is awful in this movie, she’s so bad, I’m like ‘I want you to be good, I want you to be good…ugh, get her away’. She’s not even trying…maybe she is trying, that’s why it’s so bad. She is horrendous.”
M: “Lothar, huh?”
K: “Lothar, she is…every time she’s in a movie from now on, I’m gonna call her Lothar. So Lothar is in this movie.”
M: “Ok.”
VIDEO CLIPS
K: “One thing I did like was the amount of respect that Peter Berg showed the Navy…you can tell it wasn’t just a cheesy…I don’t think it delivered, it wasn’t a very good movie…but I did like the fact that he was paying respect to the Naval part of it.”
M: “That’s right, yeah, and there are some Navy guys that are in the movie and it’s great to see them, it’s kinda like that Navy SEAL movie ‘Act of Valor’…”
K: “I thought you were talking about the one with Charlie Sheen…”
M: “Well that’s a fine piece of cinema as well…but it’s not a great movie, it’s not even Independence Day for me, so I can’t get it to three, I wish I could, I’m gonna go 2.6/5 Schmoes.”
K: “Not much higher than me, I’m gonna go 2.5 and it’s one of those things where if you don’t expect much at all and you’re just going for the explosions, then there’s a lot of fun explosions, so go for the explosions.”
M: “There’s some good humor in the beginning, the story just kinda falls apart a little bit, you get a little bored, but it’s not terrible.”
K: “That burrito scene was stupid.”
K: “Alright, so how about you guys, are you gonna go see ‘Battleship’, are you gonna see ‘The Avengers’ for the 47th time…”
M: “Did you play Battleship as a kid…or as an adult?”
K: “Are you a Peter Berg? Let us know, we wanna know, comment and if you’re new to Schmoeville, click that button right there to subscribe, and you’ll be a resident forever.”
K: “And make sure you check out our movies.com show that we just did, Top 5 Curses…Top 5 Movie Curses, really wanna know what you guys think about that one. And people are always asking us where we get our shirts, check this one out!”
