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Kristian: Four score and seven years ago…this movie is ridiculous.
Mark: That intro was ridiculous.
K: Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter…try saying that without laughing your balls off.
M: Abe Lincoln, one of our favorite presidents, one of the all-time greats, also killed vampires in his spare time…at least according to this novel that is now a major motion picture. I use the term “major” fairly loosely.
K: When you hear the term “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”, it’s impossible to not giggle a bit.
M: When I heard it, it was adapted from a novel, I said “you know what? You got my 12 bucks.” I was intrigued!
K: When was the last time you paid for a movie?
M: It’s been a while thanks to our incredible online following!
K: Now, the thing is with this movie, the title is silly but the tone of the trailer was great. Maybe they put some drama into this, some real emotion, mayeb it won’t be as silly as I think it will be. But no, this movie is insanely ridiculous.
M: This movie is much sillier than I thought it would be…you talk about shark-jumping, fridge-nuking…I got a new one for you, are you ready? Horse leaping! There’s a horse leaping scene in this movie, and that’s really when it goes off the rails and begins it’s descent into Movie Hell.
K: I wouldn’t have minded it if there was one tone throughout…either make it really silly with a lot of jokes; but that didn’t happen, just a few jokes here and there…or just make it a dramatic movie and take it seriously. But they never settle on one tone and so the movie is all over the place.
M: Who was the young buck that played Abe Lincoln? Because I thought he did a fantastic job as that character.
K: Young Liam Neeson.
M: He looks a lot like a young Liam Neeson, his name is Benjamin Watson, and I thought he was tremendous for what he was given.
K: There isn’t a bad performance by any of the actors in the film; I just think they did what they were told to do, what this tone asked of them and they didn the best they could. Dominic Cooper, who plays his friend/mentor, is terrific…there’s not a performance in this film that I can leerily shake my finger at.
M: And the young lady that plays Mary Todd…are you turning into a vampire?
K: Dude, sorry, I’m going crazy here…
M: I’m trying to profess my love for this actress…
K: I know, I apologize, I’m losing my mind after seeing this film!
M: Well the beauty of this young lady will bring you back…Mary Elizabeth Winstead, she plays Mary Todd Lincoln in the film and my goodness she is one fetching young lass. She was in The Thing, which you didn’t see, I had the pleasure of being in that theater all by myself.
K: This is what is fun for me, when I remind him of movies people have been in and he goes “really?!?”. She was also in Scott Pilgrim Saves the World.
M: I knew that…but I’ll give you one anyway. Really?!?
K: Thank you.
K: Rufus Sewell is the villain in this movie, he was in Dark City which I love…he’s fine too. Apparently there was no real villain in the book so they Hollywood’ed it up and took a lot of liberties which they probably shouldn’t have.
M: Hollywood took a lot of liberties…with a book that is about Abraham Lincoln killing vampires. Pretty sure that’s not the kind of liberty he envisioned when he signed the Emancipation Proclamation. God love him, he never killed vampires but he was one of our finest presidents.
K: Alright, so what to expect from this movie? If you go in expecting a lot of in-depth story and character and emotion…
M: Historical facts…
K: Then shame on you for the rest of your life…that’s not what you’re getting.
M: You can have fun with this movie for a little while…it would have been nice if it picked one type of movie to be for 90 minutes…there are some cool action scenes, some interesting shots. Everyone in the theater laughed, but I thought it was awesome when you see Abe Lincoln as the guy we all know from the $5 bill for the first time. That was great, but there’s so much other stupid crap in this movie.
K: Yeah, you just say “I wish they would’ve done this, wish they would’ve done that…”
M: Well, you can wish in one hand…
K: And if I never see another slow-motion fighting sequence until the day I die, I’ll be ok. Too much slo-mo fighting for me.
M: It’s so cool for a little while…the axe twirling is great but gets abused because that’s really the only trick it’s got. After that it’s all going off the rails and gets pretty dumb.
K: Schmoeing this thing up, I guarantee you it just made Steven Spielberg’s life easier because his Lincoln biopic coming out in December wil definitely be the better of these two films; I will say for this movie, for what it was, 2/5 Schmoes.
M: I’ll go 2/5 as well…you can have fun with it but you should’ve been able to have a lot more fun with it. Without it feeling dumb.
K: I went into this saying “I’m gonna have fun, if it’s stupid I don’t care, I’ll have a blast”…and ugh, just couldn’t. It’s this summer, this summer…what are ya doing? Dark Knight get here already.
M: How about you guys, do you want to see Honest Abe kill vampires? Did you read the book? The movie’s out, gonna go see it? Let us know.
K: Check out the podcast tomorrow…Schmoeville is the best. Someone wrote a song for us, did you hear that? I’m gonna post that link in the description.
M: It’s pretty great!
OUTTROAbraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,