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Our review of Texas Chainsaw 3D:
KRISTIAN: Here we are again in January, the toilet bowl of the movie year, and first up is a shitbox sure to stink up the entire month: “Texas Chainsaw 3D”…to say this film is bad would be an insult to other bad movies; this is a truly awful film with no redeeming values whatsoever. Even horror apologists like Ellis get that the latest installment in this franchise is a worthless cash grab. Everything it attempts to do fails, from the simple: acting, dialogue, scares…to the complex: storyline, plot twists (that’s right, they even try to make Leatherface a good guy! I’m not joking!). Like I said, seeing a flick in January usually means lowering your expectations, but no moviegoer should have to endure this. Congrats, “Texas Chainsaw 3D”: you’re already sitting on the throne as my worst film of 2013.
SCORE: 0/5 Schmoes
MARK: The Schmoes are back in 2013, and so is Leatherface! I can safely say that we’ll have a better year than that dolt, and I’ll be so bold as to say most any film released this year will be better than this shameless milking of horror fans’ wallets. “Texas Chainsaw 3D” is such an utter pile of garbage that the only way it’s going to make cash is on name recognition. Fittingly, it takes place in Texas because it’s just like the Dallas Cowboys: everyone knows the brand, some get suckered in to hoping for a quality product, and in the end it’s always disappointing. The acting is horrendous, the plot is bad enough when it’s straightforward, then the filmmakers apparently said “screw it, we already have their $$…let’s make Leatherface a sympthetic character!”. Come to think of it, Leatherface is the smartest one in this picture: he’s the only one with the good sense to cover up his face so no one will know he was involved in this putrid waste of time.
SCORE: .5/5 Schmoes