By Mike Beatrice
Pro Life Republican Tom Akin has announced he will not drop out of his Senate race after making controversial comments about “legitimate rape.” Of course he’s not dropping out; it would mean aborting his own campaign.
Michael Moore and Oliver Stone have co-authored an op-ed piece supporting WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. You can tell who wrote what; Moore’s sections are stained with orange Cheetos fingerprints.
Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston is set to direct an episode of The Office. In the episode, Dunder Mifflin’s employees turn their cubicles into meth labs.
Endurance swimmer Diana Nyad has failed at her fourth attempt to become the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida without a shark cage. How hard can it be? Cubans make that same trip without shark cages all the time.
Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson has been charged with domestic violence after head butting his wife. In a statement, Johnson apologized and said he, quote, “loves his wife to death.” Or at least he tried to.
As for Chad’s wife, Evelyn Lozada, she has now become the first woman to suffer an NFL concussion.
Happy Birthday to Tim Tebow who turns 25. And unlike Christ, Tebow won’t have to wait until he’s 33 to be crucified.
Congratulation to Jennifer Aniston who is engaged. For now….
Lance Armstrong has given up his fight against doping charges. Even without the drugs, Armstrong always had an unfair advantage. With just one testicle, he fit better on the bike seat.
Speaking of Armstrongs, Neil Armstrong — first man to walk on the moon — has died. One NASA official commented, quote, “as long as there are history books, Neil Armstrong will always be remembered.” Which means in about five years, no children in Texas will have any idea who he was.
NASA has announced plans to send another probe in 2016 to study the geology of Mars. SPOILER ALERT: It’s red and rocky.
NASA also conducted a successful driving test of the next generation mars Rover. It’s being called “successful” because the Rover got into less accidents than Lindsay Lohan.
The Mexican Navy is apologizing for an attack on U.S. Embassy personnel. Turns out to be in the Mexican Navy there are three requirements: 1) Be 18 years of age. 2) Be a Mexican citizen. 3) Have your own boat.
IMAX theaters are offering a limited engagement of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Meanwhile, Blockbuster clearance bins are offering a limited engagement of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Earlier this month, Fred Durst announced that Limp Bizkit was “done.” That means August 17, 2012, will forever be remembered as The Day the Sh*tty Music Died.
“FROM DURST TO WORST”
Corey Feldman was spotted wearing an oddly revealing outfit. Finally, someone who’s not too sexy for their shirt.
Photos of Prince Harry have hit the web, showing the heir to the empire frolicking in hotel rooms buck naked. A young naked red-headed boy on the internet? This explains why Jerry Sandusky’s been spending all his yard time in the prison computer room.
On the bright side, it looks like Prince Harry finally found a use for the family jewels.
Thomas Haden Church is being called a hero after administering the Heimlich procedure to a fellow diner at a Los Angeles restaurant. Sorry, Thomas. That still doesn’t make up for Spiderman 3.
Taylor Swift has been spotted locking lips with Conor Kennedy. Because things usually go really well for women romantically involved with Kennedys.
AND FINALLY, RESPECTFULLY….
In the wake of Tony Scott’s suicide, Angelenos are all asking the same question: Los Angeles has a bridge?
RIP TONY SCOTTThe Mon Beatrice News Scoop,