Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
Lindsay Lohan has reportedly inked a deal to pose naked in Playboy for one million dollars. This seems like a bad investment. Why would any guy pay for the naked-magazine-LiLo when you got a good shot of seeing the real thing for free if you run into her at a Hollywood bar?
“LAYLO”
To be fair, nine hundred grand of the one million is going to Photoshop Lindsay’s banged up beat up body.
Dear Playboy: Is there a chance you can make the deal with Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls?
In a related story, Dog Fancy has paid fifty bucks for Samantha Ronson.
“OH BOY”
Former Top Chef finalist Morgan Wilson has been indicted on child pornography charges. If convicted Wilson could be sentenced to the facility where they house all food service pedophiles: Chuck E. Cheese.
“CHILDREN’S MENU”
Arby’s has launched a new initiative to end worldwide child hunger called No Kid Hungry. This will of course lead to Arby’s next initiative: No Kid Healthy.
“UNHAPPY MEAL”
In a Presidential race between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, there’s a question as to which candidate Black Mormons will support. Why doesn’t someone just ask him?
“DECIDING VOTE”
Mitt Romney is the presumed Republican nominee now that Governor Chris Christie has thrown his weight behind Romney. Which of course explains that east coast earthquake.
“FAT BASTARD”
Christie had been on the fence for a while about who to endorse, which was terrible news for the fence.
Star Trek’s Zachary Quinto has come out as being gay, which is still more socially acceptable than being a Trekkie.
“STUNNING”
Javier Bardem has been cast as the villain in the next James Bond movie. Appropriately the film will be titled “Call it, Bondo!”
With those flowing locks, Bardem has also been cast as the next Bond Girl.
Whitney Houston was almost kicked off a Delta flight for refusing to buckle her seatbelt. When reached for comment, Bobby Brown explained that Whitney hates being belted.
“BUCKLE UP”
300 Indian girls have legally changed their birth names in a mass legal ceremony because the name apparently translates to “unwanted.” Who knew Indian girls could be named Jennifer?
“THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD JENNIFER”
Standard & Poor’s is threatening to once again downgrade America’s credit rating. Henceforth America will now be known as Bmerica.
(NOTE: That is my Jay Leno-esque Joke of the Week. Enjoy.)
The way the credit ratings work is that the U.S. went from AAA to AA+ and now could get downgraded to “Occupy Wall Street.”
Harley Davidson is recalling 300,000 motorcycles for a defect. Apparently, they weren’t loud enough.
“HOG HEAVEN”
In a related story, Hollywood has finally recalled Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man.
AND FINALLY….
Polish Parliament candidate Katarzyna Lenart is soliciting votes by stripping in a campaign video.
Here’s hoping Newt Gingrich doesn’t have the same idea.
-MB
