Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
The Countdown to Carmageddon has begun! Which reminds me…
LeBron James should change his jersey number to 405, because when he shuts down for a couple days, it cripples an entire city.
“OVERPASSED”
Congratulations to New York Yankee Derek Jeter, who became the 23rd Major Leaguer to score 3,000 hits, and the *only* Major Leaguer to also score 3,000 super models.
“SWINGER”
Meanwhile, Jeter’s teammate Alex Rodriguez has done to the All Star Game what he does to Cameron Diaz: pulled out.
“THE ODD COUPLE”
Elsewhere in Sports News, former Olympiad Mary Lou Retton has been spotted in a Dairy Queen ad. The woman famous for being short is apparently short on cash.
Mary Lou must be losing a step; when she falls out of that piñata, she doesn’t stick the landing.
In TV News, TNT has announced plans to reboot the hit 1980′s series Dallas. Someone better reboot Larry Hagman.
“WHO REMEMBERS J.R.?”
In Movie News, cinema geek website Total Film is reporting “massive” spoilers for The Dark Knight Rises, including — and I quote — “an explosion…precision stunt driving, gunfire, atmospheric smoke, and controlled pyrotechnic explosions.” Should I have spoiler tagged that? Why even see the movie now?!
“HOLY THREQUEL, BATMAN!”
(NOTE: That’s the kind of half assed reporting you won’t see here on the Schmoes.)
But the big cinematic debut this week is, of course, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. In this final film, we find out if Harry returns the ring to Mordor.
“HARRY BAGGINS”
The wildly successful Harry Potter series has starred Daniel Radcliffe as Potter, and Ralph Fiennes reprising his role as the burn victim from The English Patient.
“HOT STUFF”
In Celebrity Nonsense News, 3rd Rock from the Sun star Kristen Johnston got into an argument with the Octomom on an airplane over the weekend. The incident occurred when Octomom delayed the flight two hours because she couldn’t get her kids settled into their business class seats. This is an outrage; we live in a world where Octomom can afford to fly business class?
“EIGHT IS ENOUGH”
Apparently, Johnston suggested that Octomom get more domestic help. Incidentally, Casey Anthony is now free to babysit.
“PROBLEM SOLVER”
AND FINALLY…
The city of San Francisco is considering a ban on all pet sales. Obviously, they’ll be making an exception for gerbils.
-MB
