Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
PARTY OF FOUR
Charlie Sheen is in hot water again, though in this case it’s probably hot tub water. A drunken (shocking) Sheen was in Las Vegas for the adult entertainment AVN awards and allegedly hooked up with three porn stars at the same time.
“Sheen it All”
Among the women was 23 year-old Bree Olson, who had just won an AVN award for “Best Anal.”
“Butt Seriously”
The other two porn stars didn’t win any accolades, but at the AVNs it’s an honor just to be violated.
THE CABLE GUY
In loosely related award news, at the 2011 People’s Choice Awards fans voted Conan O’Brien their favorite talk show host.
“Hot Coco”
Sadly for Conan, these are the same people who voted Zac Efron their favorite movie star.
BABEWATCH
With her latest pictorial, Pamela Anderson has broken the record for most appearances in Playboy Magazine. And, for those keeping score at home, Tommy Lee still holds the record for most appearances in Pamela Anderson.
“I only read it for the Frank Gehry interview.”
CLEVELAND BROWN
When homeless man Ted Williams went viral on the internet with his unique radio voice, he quickly landed a job offer from the Cleveland Cavaliers. Unfortunately for the Cavs, Williams later held a one hour special announcing he’d be taking his talents to South Beach.
(NOTE: C’mon, Cleveland. Can you keep anybody around??)
“Radio Head”
Williams has also been hired as the new voice of Kraft Foods. Ironically, even homeless people won’t eat that crap.
“Garbage!”
All in all 2011 is looking great for Ted Williams, until his children cryogenically freeze his head for fast cash.
I know what you’re thinking: can it really be possible for a man to be talented and homeless? Sure, just ask Nic Cage.
Speaking of Cage, four words sum up his tax problems w/ the IRS: Season of the Witch.
“Raising Money”
Check out the Schmoes eviscerating “Witch” here:
WARDROBE MALFUNCTION
A new study found that humans started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. And 169,999 years ago, Lindsay Lohan’s ancestors started flashing their privates on what would eventually become Sunset Boulevard.
Open Season.
For those that think I’m way too hard on LiLo, feel free to rewrite that joke for Paris Hilton.
“Vacancy”
In a related story, check out this photo from 1988 of Paris and her mother walking a runway.
“End of the Innocence.”
Sadly, this is the last known image of Paris that doesn’t involve hotel rooms, video cameras and night vision.
“Not Easy Being Green”
DON’T ASK, DON’T CARE
In a recent interview, Gwyneth Paltrow says she’ll never forget her make-out scene from Austin Powers: Goldmember, calling Tom Cruise a, quote, “amazing kisser.”
Funny, that’s the same thing John Travolta says.
“Wingmen”
NOT JACK AND DIANE
Word around town is that John Mellencamp is dating Meg Ryan. Well, I guess we can start calling him John Cougar again.
A Lover Who Won’t Drive Him Crazy
Between John and Meg, it’s a toss up who had more work done.
POLE DANCE
A shift in the Earth’s magnetic pole forced runway closures at a Florida airport until computers could be recalibrated and runways renumbered. You know, between that and all the random bird and fish deaths being reported, there’s a real chance that someday we will look back on Dennis Quaid’s The Day After Tomorrow as the most prescient movie ever.
“Hell Frozen Over”
LYNCH MOB
And finally, for sports fans, if you missed Marshawn Lynch’s run-for-the-ages during the Seattle / Saints NFL Playoff game, here’s your chance to see the magic happen.
Until next week….
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Schmoes Know and OriginalNixster, Michael Beatrice. Michael Beatrice said: If it's Tuesday, it must be Beatrice. http://schmoesknow.com/?p=3768 [...]
AHAAHAHAHAAA
Seattle / Saints NFL Playoff game was great. BTW Paris in green was not bad either
Love the Nic Cage shot!
LOL at the Nic Cage line about being homeless & talented! And I love Pamela Anderson!! I need to get a copy of that issue.
Travolta and Crusie need to come out of the closet already, embrarrasing. That is why he isnt going to the Oscars, he is going to the Blue Oyster to get his balls licked.
COCO WAR!!!
I can smell those pictures of Paris and Lindsay from here.
Is it wrong that I would still have sex with Lindsay and Paris and Pamela Anderson without a bag on it?
Ted Williams is a fraud, set up by government. It’s all SArah Palin’s fault!
Poor Paris, such a great platform for jokes
LMFAO!!!! HA. Love this guy. This gets better every week.
Ok I have read this guy Beatrice a few times, sounds like a real condescending prick, who the f do you think you are man?
Go away Pam Anderson! You are filthy and no one likes your old tits.
LOVED the review, good job once again Schmoes!
I tear up when I see the Ted Williams story. Glad you made light of it but still stayed classy.
No shout out to the poor people killed in Arizona?
I had some stuff on Palin, but ultimately thought my jokes weren’t funny enough to warrant touching that dire subject.
Sick to DEATH of Ted Williams, love his name but man OVERKILL. Surprise media.
I cannot tell you how much I look forward to Tuesdays. You are a really funny dude man, and mean!
Come on man, ANOTHER Lindsay joke? LOL, just kidding, you rock dude. Too funny, give it to those Hollywood scum
Pam Anderson is hot still, I will watch her naked until she is muerta.
Never heard of that pornstar and I find myself and eficianado if you will.
Leave Ricky Vaughn alone, if the guy likes coke and strippers but shows up to work, so be it,
Pamela Anderson is gross, that being said I will be buying the issue.
Charlie Sheen is the man
Lindsay and Paris should do a reality show together called “Look at our pussies.”
You should post this on other blogs too.