Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
ANCHOR BABE
The Miss Universe Pageant was held this week, or as Tiger Woods calls it, “his
new dating pool.”
The winner of the Trump sponsored event was Miss Mexico, Jimena Navarrete. Miss
Mexico apparently wowed the judges during the talent portion of the show, where
she displayed superior skills at illegal border crossing, drug trafficking and
machete wielding.
You know, if all Mexicans looked like this, Arizona would be begging them to
stay.
(NOTE: I was in Vegas this weekend and actually came across the Universe
contestants being escorted from event to event. And yes, that was me yelling
“kiwi” at Miss New Zealand. So suck it!)
LI-LO, LI-LO, IT’S OFF TO DRINK I GO
Lindsay Lohan has been released early from rehab. So early, in fact, that she
was still able to make it to Happy Hour.
According to UCLA therapists, LiLo may not in fact be an addict, but may instead
suffer from ADD exacerbated by mis-prescribed drugs. ADD is of course the
ailment resulting in an inability to focus and lack of attention to any subject
at hand. You know, the same thing we all experience during Lindsay’s movies.
Lindsay is demanding an apology from the courts, which is a little like Mel
Gibson demanding an apology from Jews.
HOW I UNMET YOUR MOTHER
The Tiger Woods divorce is final! Tiger’s jilted ex-wife Elin Nordegren spoke
to the press for the first time, telling People Magazine she has been through,
quote, hell. Yes, if hell came with a 100 million dollar settlement.
AVATARTANIC
The special edition of Avatar is being released into movie theatres this week.
The special edition includes 8 ½ additional minutes of footage, enhanced FX
sequences, and a plot.
CRAPPER IN THE RYE
An antique dealer in North Carolina is selling the actual toilet from J.D.
Salinger’s home. While the dealer swears the toilet is authentic, fictional
character Holden Caufield says the toilet is “a phony.”
You know, if I was really into celebrity shit, I’d just buy the DVD box set of
“Joey.”
Until next week..
