The Teen Choice Awards aired last night on MTV. Twilight vampires swept the major categories, proving once again that MTV really does suck.
By definition the teens in attendance last night were born no earlier than 1992, otherwise known as the last year MTV aired an actual music video.“This shit wouldn’t fly if I was still the guy, Slayer anybody?”
(NOTE: Okay, the Awards aired on FOX, but those are two solid jokes so suck it.)
The Teen awards scored huge ratings, earning a 7 share among 10 to 18 year-olds, a 9 share among 18 to 49 year-olds, and a 100 percent share among Roman Polanski. “Hey can anyone tell me where I can find that Hermione chick?”
Meanwhile, Sarah Palin criticized the awards show, saying she’s opposed to any type of Teen Choice.
A Santa Monica judge awarded Jennifer Aniston a three-year extension on her restraining order against stalker Jason Peyton. Fearing for her life, the Friends actress told authorities she only had two choices: get the restraining order extended now, or just wait until Peyton leaves her for Angelina Jolie.
According to newly released police reports, Brooke Mueller was hospitalized with head trauma after being attacked by husband Charlie Sheen. Sheen’s lawyers dispute the claim saying if she married him in the first place, the head trauma was likely a pre-existing condition.
Action blockbuster “The Expendables” opens this Friday. Dear Sylvester Stallone: Know what’s not expendable? My $12.50.
NOTE: KRISTIAN AND MARK DO NOT ENDORSE THIS JOKE!!
“Come here Beatrice, I will shoot you in the face.”
Advertisers are threatening to pull sponsorship of the forthcoming television series “BLEEP my Dad Says.” The show, starring William Shatner, is based on the popular Twitter account entitled “Shit my Dad Says.” The advertisers have a lot of nerve, considering all the other BLEEP they sponsor.
Mark David Chapman, the man who shot and killed John Lennon, is up for parole yet again from New York’s Attica Correctional Facility. Lennon’s longtime fans think Chapman should remain incarcerated as punishment, though if they really want to punish him, they’ll just release him into Yoko’s custody.
Chapman claimed to be inspired to kill Lennon after reading The Catcher in the Rye. Personally, I say we discharge Chapman, give him an advance copy of Justin Bieber’s autobiography, and see what happens.
Laurence Fishburne’s daughter, Montana Fishburne, is embarking on a career as a porn star. Don’t feel too bad, Larry. Remember: What Happens in Montana, Stays in Montana.
Finally, in music news, tickets for the upcoming Meat Loaf concert start at $100.00. No word on how much it costs to not go.
“You broke my heart Beatrice, you broke my heart!”
See you next Tuesday Schmoes
-MBThe Tuesday Beatrice News Scoop (8-10-10),