(WARNING: This is a total FAN BOY post)
Why Paramount why?? I think someone there hates me. I think someone there has heard me bitch about Steven Sommers and Michael Bay so much that it is a cruel Inception like nightmare.
GiJoe was my favorite COMIC BOOK growing up, I loved it. It had great stories, the characters all had interesting backstories and the villains were as interesting if not more so than the protagonists. I had all the toys but I wasn’t a big fan of the cartoon. It was like SALT, you could fire 7,000 bullets at anyone, it didn’t matter, no one was dying on that show. “You know chances are we aren’t going to hit anything.” “Who cares, shoot the glass.”
The comic was another story, it was like the Sopranos, anyone could be taken out at any given moment. I couldn’t wait for the next issue to come out. This is why I was thrilled when they announced a GIJoe movie a few years back. I said “Oh man, Jet Li will play Storm Shadow, Johanson as Scarlett….the Snake Eyes Story line will be dark, edgy. This is going to be good!” And then the unthinkable happened, Steven Sommers was given the responsibility of bringing it to life. The guy who gave us Van fucking Helsing. I could list the Mummy movies and other GAH BAGE, but I won’t, well I guess I just did but VAN FUCKING HELSING. Booooo.“Ok look, it sounded good in THEORY.”
Most people don’t give a shit about GiJoe and think this was the best version of it. My friend Frank saw it with his son and gave me a lot of crap for not liking it. And I am sure if I saw it with my son and he was enjoying it and getting into it, it would get me into it as well because he is having fun. But I gurantee that Frank’s son is going to see this movie in about 15 years and go “Holy shit dad, you took me to see this shitfest? Doesn’t hold up.”
I knew it, I knew it would be a cheesy dumpfest. I am not going to get into how they messed with cool story lines and backstories. I am just going to say Marlon Wayans was cast in this movie if that tells you anything. I don’t have anything against the guy but he should have nothing to do with GiJoe unless he is watching it in the theater next to us.“Even I admit that I shouldn’t be in this movie.”
But I am one of the suckers that the studios get into the theater. Even if I didn’t have to review it, I would have seen it for the hope that Steven Sommers woke up one day and said “You know what? Today I am not going to suck at life, today I am going to actually care about the cool characters in this franchise and I will give the audience some credit this time.” Yeah call back to Inception dream. It was awful, just a cheesy cartoon full of nonsense at laughable dialogue. It wasn’t as bad as Transformers too but that is like saying liver isn’t as bad as eating glass. Mark and I took a shot, and this was the result:
But it made money and even though I wanted to shake my fist at myself in the mirror and for the people who paid for it, that optimistic part of myself came out again. “This is good, this is good. The movie will do well, the studio and production company will listen to the fans and the criticisms of last film and they will get a director who cares.” No such luck me, I read this gem today. They are hiring Sommers for part 2! Why? Come on, if you can reboot the Hulk 7,000 times in 6 years, why not revamp this one? Read a few of the comics Paramount and DiBonaventura, I promise, there are really good stories in there. I mean come on, even the shitty characters do cool shit in the comics.
I don’t dislike Channing Chat Chat or Tatum Chaning, or Channing O’neil, whatever. I like the guy but he is one of those actors who NEEDS a good director to get a performance out of him. He isn’t a green screen dude, and I don’t blame him, it looks like hell. I hope something happens and Sommers decides that he is more cut out for LASSIE IN SPACE. We need a good GiJoe movie. I am aware this isn’t Lassie, but this is who Sommers would cast to play her.
-KHSteven Sommers to direct GIJoe 2- NOOOO!!!!!!!,