Schmoes Know… Funny movie reviews from people like you!
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By Mike Beatrice
Week two of our National Nightmare and Lindsay Lohan is still in jail. Lindsay has now stayed in jail longer than her last movie stayed in theatres. I think we missed the boat on this one; we could have solved the California budget crisis w/ a pay-per-view web-cam in Lindsay’s cell.
“Here’s to you guys missing the boat.”
The good news for LiLo, her androgynous ex Samantha Ronson paid a visit to the celeb cell over the weekend. Well, technically Ronson didn’t so much visit as she smuggled herself inside of a cake.
One month after announcing her retirement, 24 year old Amanda Bynes tweeted she is returning to acting. Retweet@Amanda: returning to what?
“Don’t tell anyone Beatrice, I played Cinderella in my 3rd grade play, bringing back the acting chops bittttches.”
British Petroleum or “BP” has successfully sealed the Gulf oil leak. Now, if they could only seal Mel Gibson. ***Congratulations, Mel Gibson / Oil Leak joke! You’re now the most overused joke in comedy, ousting longtime champion “hey, why don’t they make the entire plane out of black box.”***
“Well done Beatrice, well done! AHAHAHAHAH Mad laugh Mad laugh bitch whore kill you! HAHAHAHA”
Johnny Depp is rumored to be portraying Carol Channing in an upcoming bio pic. So Johnny Depp will be a man in drag, playing a man in drag. You know, when I heard someone from Pirates of the Caribbean was going to be cross-dressing, I just assumed it was Orlando Bloom.
“Come on! How can you not remember how stunning I looked!”
***Spoiler Alert for the Big Leo Movie****
The Titanic sinks and Jack drowns. You had your chance to see it; sorry.
By the way, if you’re like me, after listening to the Schmoes review, I am on a no-Salt diet for the summer.
“Say that again Beatrice, I dare you.“
In DVD news, The Clash of the Titans DVD comes out this week and includes an alternate ending. Call me when it includes an alternate movie.
In international news, Germany’s annual Love March took a turn for “das tragic” this weekend, when a stampede resulted in 19 deaths. Proving once again that Germans can’t march anywhere without racking up a body count.
Dear Germany: Marching; maybe time to let it go.
“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, That is the smurfs theme song right?”
The German Love March is a peace march that embraces Germany’s alternative sexual life styles. Appropriately Steven Spielberg is working on the movie version: Schindler’s Fist.
In nerd news, Comic Con turned ugly over the weekend. Well, even, uglier than usual.
Two fan boys got into a scuffle, resulting in one nerd poking the other nerd in the eye w/ a pen. One of those cool Space Pens that writes upside down and underwater and when inserted into someone’s retina. Sorry big guy; life’s going to be in 2-D for a while. Authorities haven’t disclosed the individuals names and ages, only saying they are both residents of their parents’ basements.
(See Kristian’s blog on this, he goes a bit more in depth on the matter)
And finally, the big hit of Comic Con was the Harry Potter preview. Hey, Harry Potter fans, I have a preview for you: a long difficult dateless life, ending with you stabbing some guy in the eye with a pen.
Check me out next Tuesday for another news follow up
MB
Who cares, let Lindsey rot
Buen trabajo Beatrice!
Bring Beatrice back, he is funny
Who the hell is Mike Beatrice?
I like adding guest blogs, this guy is good.
Seriously who cares if Amanda Bynes retired? Who the hell is she?
Like this guy’s writing style.
I second that, the news stuff on Tuesday is fun to read.
Glad Lindsay went to the clink.
Love this dude, ruthless.